i keep thinking abt the sweet secrets drink man. it was near heavenly.. yum man. n lydia was stoning and sipping the damn bitter magarita like it was syrup. haha. i dreamt abt the sweet secrets drink ok, wat a total sin. anyway i must complain that i always get verbally abused by mel n huishi. all the vulgarities that spewed outta their mouths could last me for a year man. horrible. hehe.
anw i still feel pissed over the damn food issue. i mean come on? thank god i'm an impatient person with no time for frills and i will continue this way. anyone who thinks i would be able to/willing to/ want to cater to them emotionally like a devoted slave is fucked up up there. i can be there for u but i cannot be a devotee to the temple of emotions. hurhur. stupid joke of mine.
wat kind of lifestyle am i leading i'm questioning myself. screwed up as usual.

chalet
Seriously i've nv met a group where our levels of insanity combined is actually like a bomb in itself. my gosh... all i remember is screaming, eating, drinking, sleeping, laughing, walking, playing. it's been a long time man, it was so necessary. haha. esp mel n huishi n rena, wat with our deformed toes, the porn-turned-maternity photos, discussing wat relationship futures we might have (if any at all), the dream-like twilight zone created by mel n huishi and rena falling asleep halfway while talking n yes, laughing. it was like hahahahurhuryahhazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. rena? snores...rena! snores.. eh rena are u asleep? wake up n talk leh! huishi: dont disturb her lah choy, she's asleep. me: huh? no, she was just talking. eh rena, RENA!!!!! SNORES...
i bet i was snoring too with rena in a while's time whilst mel n shi were giggling like idiots on the bed, talking real nonsense man. i fell asleep with the damned contacts in my eyes. totally freaked me out in the morning.
n the army-style mahjong was insane too. all the bling bling shit n hokkien ah beng curses, puts us on our edge man. richmond expects us to play lightning mahjong or something. actually quite funny, we really played mahjong like aunties. oh ya n also the indian poker, cant believe i got a joker card on the first try. total shit. n we had to endure geri's blatant double standards in rena's own words when rena n i had to down pure vodka so long as we didnt win that round of mahjong whilst geri, if she lost, took pleasure in drinking vodka with grimacing us n richmond, if lost, drank distilled water. sigh...
musical chairs was nuts too. was really like dog-eat-dog with geri putting her hands on the seats of every chair she passed. cheater!! hahahaha but i really lurve my frenz cuz they're the only ones who can be insane with me n together, we enhance each other's insanity!!

at this point in time after reviewing my this entry, i realised i sound freakin incoherent. but nvm lah hor. my thoughts are disjointed. the past few days have been like surreal in a certain sense, i fucking have to go to school tmr? NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO

J'ai besoin de quelque chose dans ma vie. C'est fou peut-etre. mais je m'en fiche.

allo tout le monde...aujourdhui j'ai eu ma premiere classe du francais. C'etait comme ci comme ca mais oui, c'est tres tres difficile!! Surtout le premier texte! je n'ai compris presque tout! et c'est mauvais, non? mais oui, j'espere que j'aille improver (est-ce qu'il y a ce mot?). Mes amis, elles veulent changer notre classe peut-etre mias nous allons voir comment y va..il y a 6 de nous qui prendent les classes dans le meme temps mais bien sur, tous les autres sont meilleurs que moi-meme. oui oui..hehe..je ne sais pas pourqoui j'ai appris le francais tout d'abord mais bff, c'est comme ca et je vais en continuer comme ca. haha.. je ne sais pas de quoi j'envie maintenant. c'est difficile pour comprendre mes pensees et meme moi, je ne suis pas sur aussi. mais je devine que c'est la vie ah et la vie est comme ca parfois. on peut faire rien pour changer quelque choses. quelques choses qui parfois on ne comprend pas aussi. peut-etre c'est de quoi on parle, le destin? c'est pour reflechir et reflechir on doit faire. le langue francais sans doute, est tres beau. pour exprimers des idees, des sens, des expressions..c'est pas au propres du structure, du grammaire etc mais je pense c'est la culture, l'histoire, et comment on vit qu'on aident pour exprimer. et je l'aime bien parce que c'est tres solide, tres exudes partout mais c'est evasif. toujours quand j'ai vit en france, je peut le voir, je peut l'entendre, je peut le sentir et jaime beacoup..plus que je peut vous dit. ah oui, j'ai retrouve le mot--passionne, comme si vivre en passionnant.

wasted.f***ing day

I'm starting to feel guilty. Reflecting on my past behaviour, today i unsurprisingly thought of myself as such a bratty kid. with regards to my family. I'm so demanding in all the aspects of my life, i do feel guilty at some point in time. but there'll be this inner conflicting voice, i guess u cld call it the inner devil, telling me that it's not my fault but others' for not being able to meet up to watever i expected. but at the end of the day, i always dream of an ideal situation where i'd be rich and live on my own and get to meet everyone once in a while and everyone would be happy with me (bcuz now they dun need to hear my incessant crazy demands and feel my picking a fight with them) and i'll be happy too cuz conflicts will lessen. Of course, i will hire my own maid, chef, watever, whoever i deem fit. yes, that'll be so ideal. it's so ideal i cant materialise it. just like how huishi wishes that chad guy will pop out in front of her half naked. hahaha. i think we're all delirious. damn schools.

I've seriously reflected and thought abt my life at present and the future. And somehow i dun feel satisfied. There are things i wanna do which seem so 'out' u noe wat i mean. but that's just it, i refuse to let anyone dictate to me wats in and wats out. for the moment, all the lives of the future i've imagined are in europe. I don't think i cld survive another day in singapore. it doesnt offer me the lifestyle i want, the culture, the countryside and the rustic feel. but of cuz i'd miss most the security in singapore if i were overseas man. I don't want to grow up working for an economy, for a future i don't get to see. it's all mechanized. i don't want to slog all my life and regret when i'm on my deathbed. I admit slogging is part of human life yes, but i want to get sth out of it at the same time. I guess i'm sounding more and more bad-tempered and snappish nowadays. i'm just so moody and i feel better off being by myself bcuz i dont want to snap at people. i feel irritated when spoken to, in sch esp. those irritating forums are getting into me. its so pointless but yes, a necessary evil in my stupid life. those ppl who talk cork and then try to ask u for ur views very intellectually. oh come on, i have no time to go thru my views however much i value them. haha. for the first fucking time in my shitty life, i'm tired of sch, sick of everyone there, and the scariest thing is, i dont see the whole point of school. thank goodness it only struck me now. and thank gdness remotely somewhere at the back of my puny brain i can dig out some obscure, almost childish thought of education, which, no matter how passe, is nonetheless positive enough to light up my darkened mind. DAMN.

oh btw, CIRQUE DU SOLEIL everyone? $110. Sistic told me tix are gg pretty fast. $110 is for 8pm tues-thurs. for fris and sats 8pm, its $130 or sth. let me noe if u guys r interested. er the next cheaper seat is $99 which i totally see no point if we can pay a lil more and get better seats. lemme noe k peeps.

cirque du soleil...

oh er yah, only in case any of u retaliates and/or questions me, pls dont. i've been honest n its so hard for me to do. despite my shitty prant abt non-justifn, i still er feel the need to address public needs. (hur-hur)
on a happier note, i'm bent on cirque du soleil n i wanna get at least a 100 bucks seat. so if any of u interested let me noe, there didnt seem to be any student prices but nevertheless i'll still ask sistic. i will book latest by fri i think cuz it starts sept 9 so let me noe if u're interested.

yawn*

today was a great day. slept, ate, slept again, read, slacked, watched tv... seriously, the telly is the worst monster of anyone's life. we shd do away with it. its just brainless gorm sitting on the couch and staring at usually mundane, pointless n meaningless moving pictures. now when i was in france... lets not get started again.
have a hundred and one things to do and planned to do but in the usual fashion, just slacked. haha. i shd recieve an award for my procrastinating skilss man. HOW MANY blardy chaps am i so damn lagging behind as of now? i think u guys just have no idea. to top it all off, i have a novel to read. a novel. someone tell me abt it man. what have i gotten myself into? the instinct to quit sch has nv been stronger than what i felt today. i just wondered what i'm gg to do after and how everyone might take it. so much for not giving a damn. wat am i talking abt?
oh saw all the photos on shi's blog, looked really cool, but a few of them seemed to show daylight behind. u guys stayed till dawn? incredible. hehe.
i wanna buy so many things but the m is just not enough. feel empty. there r times when i think abt certain decisions i've made n i'm not too sure abt them anymore and wat i'm about to do in the future. sure, all the moe stuff and the good stuff i hope. but thats not where i really want to be. i want to be in an env where i can express myself n let go. i'm sry abt it guys but no matter how hard i try, i just cant do it here. i mean i can, to a certain extent, but it just doesnt seem like the most natural thing to do. unfortunately, i seem to be in this phase where i just cannot be who i am with the ppl i'm familiar with. yes it's true really. i can confide feelings n things i've nv even voiced out b4 to others easily, readily, almost as if it was natural. but i cant do it with u guys, n i cant do it with my family. my feelings are not focused right now, i just wanna fly away and not look back. i noe only too well wat ppl may think abt this but trust me, it didnt come just like that.
haha. it doesnt show anyth really, just that i'm growing up in an alternative way. so weird. everything's not focused right now. i'm just half-hearted abt everything i do n the feeling's not there. i dunno if sometimes some of u might feel like this too.

oh yah sth mr depp said after attending the OSCARS (the thoughts that he n his wife were thinking), mind u, its the oscars where everyone is craving for a nomination, hoping against hope for a win.
'Where can we smoke? Where can we get a drink? When is it over?' and 'Please don't let me win'

Which is exactly why i so like him.

for just this moment

how can i forget..when i've left part of myself behind
wondering where you are n do i cross ur mind in the warm sunshine?

all i feelnow is an emptiness. need to find back that part of myself, but it's near impossible.
when will the time come, when it will finally be right for me to make the move i make, for myself to feel complete, for another journey. it eludes me, feel so lost. what am i here, without you, without that part of myself i miss the most. who am i anymore?