project-life

2005-09-25T21:05:00.000+08:00

i keep thinking abt the sweet secrets drink man. it was near heavenly.. yum man. n lydia was stoning and sipping the damn bitter magarita like it was syrup. haha. i dreamt abt the sweet secrets drink ok, wat a total sin. anyway i must complain that i always get verbally abused by mel n huishi. all the vulgarities that spewed outta their mouths could last me for a year man. horrible. hehe.
anw i still feel pissed over the damn food issue. i mean come on? thank god i'm an impatient person with no time for frills and i will continue this way. anyone who thinks i would be able to/willing to/ want to cater to them emotionally like a devoted slave is fucked up up there. i can be there for u but i cannot be a devotee to the temple of emotions. hurhur. stupid joke of mine.
wat kind of lifestyle am i leading i'm questioning myself. screwed up as usual.

chalet
Seriously i've nv met a group where our levels of insanity combined is actually like a bomb in itself. my gosh... all i remember is screaming, eating, drinking, sleeping, laughing, walking, playing. it's been a long time man, it was so necessary. haha. esp mel n huishi n rena, wat with our deformed toes, the porn-turned-maternity photos, discussing wat relationship futures we might have (if any at all), the dream-like twilight zone created by mel n huishi and rena falling asleep halfway while talking n yes, laughing. it was like hahahahurhuryahhazzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. rena? snores...rena! snores.. eh rena are u asleep? wake up n talk leh! huishi: dont disturb her lah choy, she's asleep. me: huh? no, she was just talking. eh rena, RENA!!!!! SNORES...
i bet i was snoring too with rena in a while's time whilst mel n shi were giggling like idiots on the bed, talking real nonsense man. i fell asleep with the damned contacts in my eyes. totally freaked me out in the morning.
n the army-style mahjong was insane too. all the bling bling shit n hokkien ah beng curses, puts us on our edge man. richmond expects us to play lightning mahjong or something. actually quite funny, we really played mahjong like aunties. oh ya n also the indian poker, cant believe i got a joker card on the first try. total shit. n we had to endure geri's blatant double standards in rena's own words when rena n i had to down pure vodka so long as we didnt win that round of mahjong whilst geri, if she lost, took pleasure in drinking vodka with grimacing us n richmond, if lost, drank distilled water. sigh...
musical chairs was nuts too. was really like dog-eat-dog with geri putting her hands on the seats of every chair she passed. cheater!! hahahaha but i really lurve my frenz cuz they're the only ones who can be insane with me n together, we enhance each other's insanity!!

at this point in time after reviewing my this entry, i realised i sound freakin incoherent. but nvm lah hor. my thoughts are disjointed. the past few days have been like surreal in a certain sense, i fucking have to go to school tmr? NONONONONONONONONONONONONONO

2005-09-10T19:14:00.000+08:00

J'ai besoin de quelque chose dans ma vie. C'est fou peut-etre. mais je m'en fiche.

2005-09-03T22:48:00.000+08:00

allo tout le monde...aujourdhui j'ai eu ma premiere classe du francais. C'etait comme ci comme ca mais oui, c'est tres tres difficile!! Surtout le premier texte! je n'ai compris presque tout! et c'est mauvais, non? mais oui, j'espere que j'aille improver (est-ce qu'il y a ce mot?). Mes amis, elles veulent changer notre classe peut-etre mias nous allons voir comment y va..il y a 6 de nous qui prendent les classes dans le meme temps mais bien sur, tous les autres sont meilleurs que moi-meme. oui oui..hehe..je ne sais pas pourqoui j'ai appris le francais tout d'abord mais bff, c'est comme ca et je vais en continuer comme ca. haha.. je ne sais pas de quoi j'envie maintenant. c'est difficile pour comprendre mes pensees et meme moi, je ne suis pas sur aussi. mais je devine que c'est la vie ah et la vie est comme ca parfois. on peut faire rien pour changer quelque choses. quelques choses qui parfois on ne comprend pas aussi. peut-etre c'est de quoi on parle, le destin? c'est pour reflechir et reflechir on doit faire. le langue francais sans doute, est tres beau. pour exprimers des idees, des sens, des expressions..c'est pas au propres du structure, du grammaire etc mais je pense c'est la culture, l'histoire, et comment on vit qu'on aident pour exprimer. et je l'aime bien parce que c'est tres solide, tres exudes partout mais c'est evasif. toujours quand j'ai vit en france, je peut le voir, je peut l'entendre, je peut le sentir et jaime beacoup..plus que je peut vous dit. ah oui, j'ai retrouve le mot--passionne, comme si vivre en passionnant.

wasted.f***ing day

2005-08-30T22:41:00.000+08:00

I'm starting to feel guilty. Reflecting on my past behaviour, today i unsurprisingly thought of myself as such a bratty kid. with regards to my family. I'm so demanding in all the aspects of my life, i do feel guilty at some point in time. but there'll be this inner conflicting voice, i guess u cld call it the inner devil, telling me that it's not my fault but others' for not being able to meet up to watever i expected. but at the end of the day, i always dream of an ideal situation where i'd be rich and live on my own and get to meet everyone once in a while and everyone would be happy with me (bcuz now they dun need to hear my incessant crazy demands and feel my picking a fight with them) and i'll be happy too cuz conflicts will lessen. Of course, i will hire my own maid, chef, watever, whoever i deem fit. yes, that'll be so ideal. it's so ideal i cant materialise it. just like how huishi wishes that chad guy will pop out in front of her half naked. hahaha. i think we're all delirious. damn schools.

I've seriously reflected and thought abt my life at present and the future. And somehow i dun feel satisfied. There are things i wanna do which seem so 'out' u noe wat i mean. but that's just it, i refuse to let anyone dictate to me wats in and wats out. for the moment, all the lives of the future i've imagined are in europe. I don't think i cld survive another day in singapore. it doesnt offer me the lifestyle i want, the culture, the countryside and the rustic feel. but of cuz i'd miss most the security in singapore if i were overseas man. I don't want to grow up working for an economy, for a future i don't get to see. it's all mechanized. i don't want to slog all my life and regret when i'm on my deathbed. I admit slogging is part of human life yes, but i want to get sth out of it at the same time. I guess i'm sounding more and more bad-tempered and snappish nowadays. i'm just so moody and i feel better off being by myself bcuz i dont want to snap at people. i feel irritated when spoken to, in sch esp. those irritating forums are getting into me. its so pointless but yes, a necessary evil in my stupid life. those ppl who talk cork and then try to ask u for ur views very intellectually. oh come on, i have no time to go thru my views however much i value them. haha. for the first fucking time in my shitty life, i'm tired of sch, sick of everyone there, and the scariest thing is, i dont see the whole point of school. thank goodness it only struck me now. and thank gdness remotely somewhere at the back of my puny brain i can dig out some obscure, almost childish thought of education, which, no matter how passe, is nonetheless positive enough to light up my darkened mind. DAMN.

oh btw, CIRQUE DU SOLEIL everyone? $110. Sistic told me tix are gg pretty fast. $110 is for 8pm tues-thurs. for fris and sats 8pm, its $130 or sth. let me noe if u guys r interested. er the next cheaper seat is $99 which i totally see no point if we can pay a lil more and get better seats. lemme noe k peeps.

cirque du soleil...

2005-08-29T00:10:00.000+08:00

oh er yah, only in case any of u retaliates and/or questions me, pls dont. i've been honest n its so hard for me to do. despite my shitty prant abt non-justifn, i still er feel the need to address public needs. (hur-hur)
on a happier note, i'm bent on cirque du soleil n i wanna get at least a 100 bucks seat. so if any of u interested let me noe, there didnt seem to be any student prices but nevertheless i'll still ask sistic. i will book latest by fri i think cuz it starts sept 9 so let me noe if u're interested.

yawn*

2005-08-28T23:41:00.000+08:00

today was a great day. slept, ate, slept again, read, slacked, watched tv... seriously, the telly is the worst monster of anyone's life. we shd do away with it. its just brainless gorm sitting on the couch and staring at usually mundane, pointless n meaningless moving pictures. now when i was in france... lets not get started again.
have a hundred and one things to do and planned to do but in the usual fashion, just slacked. haha. i shd recieve an award for my procrastinating skilss man. HOW MANY blardy chaps am i so damn lagging behind as of now? i think u guys just have no idea. to top it all off, i have a novel to read. a novel. someone tell me abt it man. what have i gotten myself into? the instinct to quit sch has nv been stronger than what i felt today. i just wondered what i'm gg to do after and how everyone might take it. so much for not giving a damn. wat am i talking abt?
oh saw all the photos on shi's blog, looked really cool, but a few of them seemed to show daylight behind. u guys stayed till dawn? incredible. hehe.
i wanna buy so many things but the m is just not enough. feel empty. there r times when i think abt certain decisions i've made n i'm not too sure abt them anymore and wat i'm about to do in the future. sure, all the moe stuff and the good stuff i hope. but thats not where i really want to be. i want to be in an env where i can express myself n let go. i'm sry abt it guys but no matter how hard i try, i just cant do it here. i mean i can, to a certain extent, but it just doesnt seem like the most natural thing to do. unfortunately, i seem to be in this phase where i just cannot be who i am with the ppl i'm familiar with. yes it's true really. i can confide feelings n things i've nv even voiced out b4 to others easily, readily, almost as if it was natural. but i cant do it with u guys, n i cant do it with my family. my feelings are not focused right now, i just wanna fly away and not look back. i noe only too well wat ppl may think abt this but trust me, it didnt come just like that.
haha. it doesnt show anyth really, just that i'm growing up in an alternative way. so weird. everything's not focused right now. i'm just half-hearted abt everything i do n the feeling's not there. i dunno if sometimes some of u might feel like this too.

oh yah sth mr depp said after attending the OSCARS (the thoughts that he n his wife were thinking), mind u, its the oscars where everyone is craving for a nomination, hoping against hope for a win.
'Where can we smoke? Where can we get a drink? When is it over?' and 'Please don't let me win'

Which is exactly why i so like him.

for just this moment

2005-08-22T00:12:00.000+08:00

how can i forget..when i've left part of myself behind
wondering where you are n do i cross ur mind in the warm sunshine?

all i feelnow is an emptiness. need to find back that part of myself, but it's near impossible.
when will the time come, when it will finally be right for me to make the move i make, for myself to feel complete, for another journey. it eludes me, feel so lost. what am i here, without you, without that part of myself i miss the most. who am i anymore?

frustrated with myself

2005-08-18T11:36:00.000+08:00

my is supposed to be ending soon..the only prob is that i'm sitting on the sofa at home now, typing this away. damn iT!!!!! its only the first week of term n i'm like wow slacking. great. damn. my teacher is gonna be furious. cuz it's a new french lecturer this sem. this is great. he is gonna blow up, think he looks pretty strict n serious. NO!!!! y? y am i always like that? y do i always like that then complain. feel disgusted with myself man.its the early morn, i just feel so fucking lazy. hate myself for it.
ok, later i WILL go down for the 4 hour lec but the last time farrell kinda scolded me a little. shit him, i was angry n surprised at first but after a while it felt gd to have someone seriously tell me sth to my face. since when was the last time it happened to me? eons ago, i just cant take this kind of crap from anyone but i like farrell more for it. haha.. last week we watch snippets of troy n braveheart for the lec n it was ok. this week for el my lecturer din even turn up, we just spent 2 hours watching I NOT STUPID, can u beat that? he's just so slacker. hahaha. but i like. fits well with me. but of cuz got assignment to hand in based on the movie lah, not so simple man.
sigh. sch, sch ,sch, when's it ever gonna end n it's just started.
yesterday i spent 50 bucks shopping. i slept at 4.30am the previous day, woke up at 6.30 (surprisingly) n was in lec from 8am to 12 pm then went to work from 2-10pm n i STILL found time to shop. amazing. i was behaving like a zombie. seriously i've experienced twice aldy the heady feeling of sleep deprivation. believe me, its a weird feeling. haha. everything seems to go faster, like when i watched the cars on the road zoom past me at 11pm last nite they all seemed like going at 100km/h when actually i dun think they were. the funny thing was ALL the cars seemed to be going at that speed. so u see ppl, when u dun get enough sleep, u lag so much that u think everything around u became high-speed. hahaha, weird feeling man.
n then i somemore wernt home to read harry potter until 2am. no wonder today felt so darn lazy. haha. maybe i shd stop working for john. 5 bucks per hour is same as the other parttimers but i think i deserve more. like i sell like almost thrice of wat the commissioned full-timers sell. disgusting. but shujun, the f-timer at cine tells me she wans to quit soon, think she's unhappy with working at tinkerbell n she looked like she was very 'wei qu' when she told me abt it. hmmm. well i must say that most ppl i come across are really not tolerant of the little things. shujun was telling me that there was one time aunty used a shoe she happened to be carrying to hit her lightly on the arm cuz she forgot some mumber of the shoe shelving. she said in chinese ' i'm not even her child, why must she hit me?" n i was like stunned. i mean i think aunty just hit her lightly without any bad meaning but everyone's just so sensitive nowadays it makes me feel frightened of being in contact with ppl cuz i dunno wat they think. for me seriously i dun think too much of the li'l things but i've come to realise that many ppl are actually like prick-sensitive n the worse part is they dont say. really makes me think twice abt becoming in close contact with ppl nowadaez. which is why i actually have no gripes abt attending lectures alone. in fact i think i'm happier n better off alone. my plan is to watch charlie n the choc fac alone in the nite later. not that i dun wanna ask ppl but i dun think i wanna drag others to watch it with me. maybe watching it alone will allow me to get the full essence of it for the final time. heh.
n rena misplaced my hist text. argh. though to be honest i was initially pissed cuz i mean i'm yeah v fussy when it comes to such stuff haha cuz that was my original one n i think the other one i aldy sold off to some yr one. argh. rena!!! aiya ok lah no harm done so its alright.
anw my home internet is so screwed i have to use the dial-up which is only working in the living room. feel so frustrated. n my sis refused to let me use the com to check my tut regis last nite. i secretly suspect she did not pay my mum for it but still claims it's hers anw. anw my sis is a gone case, she's really the ultimate bitch. hahaha. my sis is really one of those kind who would really choose her own death over doing anything against her will, for certainty that is. for me, i think i will waver depending on the situation. my imagination runs very wild so i shall not explain.
anw went out recently with penny n it was pretty fun. though i must admit our thinking is totally different. only out of my frens' circle then do i realise that there are different worlds out there from which the ppl r v diff from all of us. like wokring at timkerbell n interacting with everyone in n out of tinkerbell makes me realise that. i dun Think i shd be thankful, i am thankful of many things. though i noe one day everything may disappear like that, anytime. anything can happen isnt it? i think deep doen i'm so melancholic, everything i write abt is not exactly happy. but thats the way it is, i dun think in a happy way, the world doesnt allow that. but i cant blame everyth on everyone. blaming everything on the world at large is not gonna work. = )
things i bought :
1. vintage pearl bag
2. red buddha beads that can be won as bracelet, i like red.
3.3 pairs of earrings though er as u may all noe, one of my earholes is closed.
4. a skirt
5. a really ex micky mouse ring. <>
i think thats it, i needs to remind myself that i'm first n foremost a student n not a fashion rack. i cannot do this all the time, just soent a BOMB that day man hehe. SHIT.

so biyun, how r u? eh ppl, do u guys think biyun actually reads our blogs? anw.. hope u're ok, dun be such a free labour for them, they can well afford to hire extra help for things like painting the sch on a weekend sat n sun. u're there to teach.
i'm so slpy now... think i'll start making my way to sch cuz co-op has like 1000 ppl inside it at any one given time, its making me sick just to go in to ask abt my non-arrival books. plus the yr ones r like really damn pia from what i see on their faces. its crazy. they look like they're deprived of education, which we noe isnt the case cuz this is singapore.
i finally ordered reader's digest! n that guy gave me free copies of fhm golden issue n this month's glamour mag n national geographic n a copy of 'men's health' my mum saw the fhm n at least i had a legitimate reason for it being in my ownership. hahaha, if not... 'y r u lookin at pictures of these mei you chuan yi fu de girls? (wld u rather then i lk at guys?)
blogging for once is fun cuz its safer blogging than writing in my journal. i dunno leh but i hate the feeling of penning down my thoughts. typing seems much better. just psychological i guess.
ciao ppl.

chocalate has to run free and solo

2005-08-18T03:12:00.000+08:00

apologies first for the melancholic spirit in me.

what would i give at this juncture to be back in france again? everytime i talkto some of them on msn i feel so happy n sad at the same time. happy bcuz i miss them so damn much n talking to them again makes me truly happy, like being in another place another time, away from my life here. yet i'm sad cuz physically i'm stuck here n cant be with them. I miss them so much i could die like that man. wat would i not give to be there!!!! ah shit. it sounds like i have a secret love affiar there yah when i put it this way but hey, i really dun. haha. i just have a love affair with everyone there cuz i'll nv be able to forget all their goodness n fun...all the genuine love n care i got.. it was truly priceless at that moment in time n i can nv have it back again.

feel like crying everytime i see those pics of my beloved frenz in france..maybe i'm too emotional n sentimental but thats the way it is, i really valued my time there. except for the bizarre cosmetic-surgery old woman i stayed with at least. but that had its own fun too. my own room with a super big robert doisneau original poster to greet me morning n evening. f. n at nite comes all the clubbing n fun. i think i'm sounding historical but the rush of memories make my head wanna explode.. its hard. really hard. i dun even noe where to begin to explain to all of u. i mean i can say so much n show u photos but the experience is just too precious to behold. sigh. i sound neurotic. but i am.

talking abt neurotic. whoever says charlie n the chocalate factory is lousy deserves to have their brains screwed. haha yes i'm so damn bias but i cant help it. who else in the world can act so well, plus freddie highmore, plus their chemistry n all the scenes? talk abt fantasies. i feel myself falling down the fantasy of charlie n the choc fac.
"chocalate has to run free and solo"
"MUMBLER!"
"tell them why honey" + crazed look
"tsk, scaredy cat"
"chewing gum is really gross
chewing gum i hate the most"
"what. well then u wil hear about it..."
"none taken. jerk."
"but he turned out not so nice"
"you're really weird"+ weird laughter
"daddy, i want another pony"- this of course, is the voice of veruca salt
"what a beastly girl", "despicable"
"i think someone's at the door"- grandma georgina
'increasingly...today"

but after all these quotes, my favourite scene is the part in the room full of squirrels. that part showed how willy wonka is also matured though we.. er ok i shall stop myself here cuz i could continue to write a lit review on it n rattle on n on abt the film. shd have taken film n history with rena n chris.

candy doesnt have to have a point
chocalate has to run free and solo

2005-08-02T23:15:00.000+08:00

oh ya 1 announcemt

1. who wants to go watch either dim sum dollies or cirque du soleil? i'm practically dying for sth like that. if want, pls reply n lemme noe by this wkend so i can book tix n check out student prices. one thing though, good tix r hard to get due to the popularity of both shows. dim sum dollies start showing this fri 5 aug. cirque du soleil is at the beginning of sept but its a gd idea to book tix now esp after the PSC publicity on tv.. damn.

flu,ikea, timetables...

2005-08-02T22:48:00.000+08:00

*sniffs* caught the flu bug over the wkend it seems. couldnt stop sneezing in the nite. n that day after ikea shopping had to borrow rena's pack of tissue in order to last the next 2 hours of tuition. n hey, i didnt receive my pay. :( that girl forgot i was even coming for tuition n she looked so slpy. n anw tuition's a chore. next time i shall set a rule whereby i only give tuition to *censored due to forseen accusations of prejudices*. wah lao i have to smell the stinking two tanks of dirty water in the room where her pet turtles were kept n the room is seriously not in a v gd state so i shall not comment more.
spent so much that day. so sad.
1. Jules swivel chair in red $128
2. tovik loft bed $398
3. galant table $230
4. assembly plus delievery $76
total = broke joanne

n thats not the end yet. still got the curtains, painting (ok this one my mum'll pay), n bookshelf? n possibly, if fortune allows, an armchair. but rite now i'm still fretting over where to place everything. rena says i'm just too fussy n weird cuz i refused to study near the window. haha. ok thats a little quirky i admit but hey the window's near the corridoor n near the lift too. n anw, i hate windows. i dun like windows. n i like darker rooms. heh.
today those guys came to dismantle the built-in wardrobe n my neighbour wanted it so we gave it to her. she says its very ex to dismantle a perfectly normal wardrobe n buy another one for a thousand dollars. the contractors also said so. but hey, its my room, i just dun like my current wardrobe. i tried negotiating w my mum to change the door to sliding door n make a few changes but she kept saying its too ex so wth, i'll just get a new one.

sigh n i think i'll just hafta grit my teeth n steel myself to just put one of my tuorials down where i have a concurrent lecture. cuz the tut is fortnightly n the lecture happends to be webcast. if so, i can have 2 free days a wk instead of 1. gd idea? or shd i put it down on tues then i'll be having 2 free days one wk n one free day another. sigh arranging own timetables r such a chore.

jumble

2005-07-29T22:24:00.000+08:00

hey shi, dun record down our late-nite to early morn food romping acts leh..makes me feel super guilty man..hahaha...n yeah i think we shd come up with more activities instead of huishi playing simon says alone, huishi n mel playing chop chilli chop chilli chop*3, chris mel n shi playing insult-joanne-with-impromptu-lyrics...blah. sry gals for the most recent nite but i really dunno why i was seriously insecure abt driving ard in the dark. heh. i mean its kinda weird prob when u guys r like dancing n grooving to the music in the car n i'm still feelin spooked. n that playgrd with the green lights..i cld have kissed huishi when she said it looks creepy n we drove off man. cuz i got the feeling mel n chris were game for anything. me, i'm only game for a time-out ice cream, more food n huishi's place. green, misty playgrounds n foggy parks, winding misty roads n haunted wayside army camps were not exactly a gd idea that nite. strangely, i thot some of the places looked familiar cuz we drove past b4 rite n i was busy staring out all ard the last time but this time round, i was really insecure (read: scaredy. cowardy. spooked. wateva!). rena shd have been ard to back me up. eh but really, that green playgrd was really weird man. shudders.
haha..the things we do. i'm dying to prankcall ppl man, seems a long time since we've done sth really that childish. wahaha...hmmm but there're nevertheless some nasty ppl i'd like to wake up in the middle of nite to tell them they've won themselves NDP tix. *evil laughter* harry potter book was seriously depressing. it was a gd book but i dint really like it..the progress was somehow not very happening..my fav bk is still prisoner of azkaban. i want sirius to come back!!!! sob, its like half the fun is gone without him, half the charm's gone too. sob. n i'm watching extreme makeover now... my gosh, the candidates seem eager to go thru the pain. i mean no doubt their fairytale stories leave us feeling a pang of jealousy at the end but the graphic pictures of surgery still cant convince me. if i cld do one cosmetic surgery procedure, i'd choose to raise my nose bridge n sharpen my almost non-existent nose. haha. but still i noe my pain threshold has aways been like wat, minus 10? haha. even braces freak me out. sigh.

oh yah my room makeover. i decided to paint it instead of wallpaper it n my mum was angry cuz she said i only listened to myfrenz n not my family. well its cuz my frenz listen to me. its only natural. n my mum was tryint to talk to me abt watching M-18 movies. she still thinks its not suitable for my age. wat the? cuz she saw mel's 'a v long engagement' on the table n she questioned me abt that. i told her straight that i've aldy spent one month away fr home. if anything, she shd be concerned abt that instead of me watching nc-16 n m-18 movies. she got the idea, i hope. i was so pissed i told her to get out of my sight. cuz u guys dun understand, she was looking really serious when she was trying to talk me out of watching that movie. i mean come on, how long can she attempt to protect me? for all she noes, i'm adi not a virgin n the bottomline is that, parents nowadays r naive. to the point of being hilarious. i'm 20? those girls out there r only like 14 n they're having sex all over the place n my mum is advising not to watch these movies cuz 'they're not very good lor' feel like tearing all my hair out from my scalp. of cuz seriously i havent done anyth beyond the boundaries but i'm sure u guys noe wat i mean rite? hiya..so to continue the story, my mum left the table n went into the room cuz i closed my eyes n told her to get out of my sight. haha. so drama rite. cant help it. i felt like i was gg to explode.
i'm gg with rena on mon to ikea. anyone wants to go? in the afternoon. go for lunch n then shop abit. oh wow the elissa makeover was really good man. prob the best i've seen in all the seasons. that woman looks really young n beautiful. gasp. her 20 years ago photo looks older than her present self man. but the recovery was a few painful months. still, it was free so if u are game enuff for it, i think extreme makeover;s a gd deal. ok er back to my room, i'm gonna get a loft bed, paint my room, new wardrobe n a new table n a bookshelf. yay so happy. part of putting my life rite n together. plus white curtains. i want my own sanctuary. somewhere where i can get away from the bitchy resident sister n naggy, way-behind-the-times mother. tsk tsk. on my way...so i'm gonna be real busy next wk claring out the old room n arranging for the ppl to come. i hope everything runs on my schedule cuz school's gonna start soon. i noe i'm demanding but there's no way around it. being demanding is the one thing i find the hardest to change iin me. n being self-righteous too. i shall admit. yeah... cant help it. but one thing's for sure, though i maybe wrong sometimes, i'm more often correct than wrong to say the least. see wat i mean. sigh!

2005-07-23T05:00:00.000+08:00

well actually guess wat? i was abt to log off n go to bed but reading huishi's blog kindled my senses once more. come again wat was it? oh yah, 'some shit neighbourhood sch'. well unfortunately, the ppl from this incidentally 'shit' sch went on to become university students, including the girl u were dumped for. come to think of it, wat kind of loser gets dumped by a guy when he hasnt even secured his next relationship. well there r 2 possiblitites perhaps. one, the gf in question is unquestionably worthless. 2, the other girl in qn is appealing to the point of making the already worthless soon-to-be-ex-gf seem even more so. or perhaps in this case, both assertions hold true. got the fucking cheek to even list down our schools without feeling inferior? *smirks* wat more is there to be said? oh btw, feel free to check the dictionary if unsure abt lexical meanings of the words here.
n er wat for example, is 'womankind'? n 'promiscuity'? why doesnt she familiarise herself with words before employing them. promiscuity indeed. going out with guys does not account for promiscuity. "promiscuity" happens to be a word that depicts someone who is wanton, or someone who goes around having sex freely.
in essence, it carries suggestions of u being a whore. gal, it is more than enough to sue her for slander. this er lets just say mentally-cahllenged girl here obviously cant noe her laws well enough if she can go around hurling slanders n false accusations on her blog. i mean, its bad enough to be such a failure, but publishing it n pushing the blame to someone else tells me her brain needs some repair, if it's even there. oh well come to think of it, we have other things to do like preparing for sch. mentally-challenged ppl r a waste of resources.

2005-07-23T04:31:00.000+08:00

the possibilities of my mind are getting wilder by the day n actually, i'm enjoying it. of everything of human capacity, only our imagination can remain limitless. n its really cool. bcuz dreams r first lived out in imagination. sometimes i just feel like the philosopher of the moment at queer hours like these but i cant help myself thinking in the way i do. its true i think too much but hey, thinking is very much of me. haha. which is why i feel the constant nag for books n more books to read so that i have sth to engage myself in. as i was home today on the train, i stared out of the window n felt lost, like wat am i gonna do when i reach home? da vincci code n harry potter have occupied me for the last 2 wks n i've not lacked for much. work keeps me busy, n the books keep me happy. it's like, i have sth to look forward to when i have a new book to read or a new chapter or part to continue reading. i dunno whether anyone even shares my exact sentiments but i always feel secretly excited when i have a book to read. i mean, not to sound like a maniac, the book has to be gd stuff n definitely not all books r like that to me. therefore, after a high of dan brown's ingenuity n rowling's magical weaving, i suddenly feel like i've hit the pit. haha. oh well.before all my frenz start avoiding me with deliberation, i'd better stop writing abt my own maniac craze abt books n plots. but i noe i can nv snap of of that my entire life. books will always be a part of me, i dunno y, dun ask me why, it's just like that.
so as i was travelling on the train, i was thinking of which next book to acquire n read. u see, u guys prob think i'm such an obsessed maniac cuz i used the word 'acquire'. but isnt it the same as 'get'? ah see? thats y i like to read. its all paradoxical. so the next book i'd like to read is angels n demons.
flowery language is for everyday life, n not only for writing a novel if u get wat i mean. its all part of powerful communication yeah? haha. just a little peek into my demented mind.
hey u noe i quite like my new hp but using it is such a prob n nuisance. so dun mind if i sms v little or wat ok cuz its been tedious trying to get use to a new phone. sigh. i liked my 6510 better but ppl started calling it antique. i wanted to get 7260 as i've been saying but my dad insisted on this. he n the shop girl kept convinving me that for the price difference my phone with its capabilities n high=resolution camera is more worth it. like i really care? so long as i can use the phone to talk n sms n take some pics can liao. n so long as it doesnt look too bad. all these options i have on my phone is wasted on me man. i seriously hv no idea how to use them n i dun intend to try to figure. i'm just not interested. waste of my dad's money.
woke up yest morn in the wee hours...to vomit. so sickening. i had to sit beside the toilet bowl cuz i dun even dare leave it. wtf. tried so hard to control not to vomit but just couldnt. yah that's one thing i really hate. i HATE vomitting. even if i'm drunk from all the alcohol i'd try ways n means to stop myself fr puking everything out. though admittedly, its more of a relief to puke things out. but i just cant bear it. sux.i think its that zi cha stall. or maybe the daisy hi-lo milk. i'd bet on the milk actually cuz i mean usually the milk belongs to my sis n i wouldnt be surprised if she tried to do me in. come to think of it, i woke up just as she was getting ready to go to sch. so she actually got it planned! she wanted to see her plan in action b4 she left for sch. sux. so i turned up for work today at 4 but he din say anyth. n sales was v poor today n bin jie was in a bad mood the whole time like it was my fault no one is coming into the shop. n she kept hinting at me to work on sat n sunday too. n so did boss. wat the shit? i aldy work one more day liao n he aldy found a few new workers liao lor. siao. jsut cuz its the weekend, they just wanna milk my retail manipulations. grrrrrrr. ! n i also found out sth abt bin jie's comm. in essence, wat i get to earn, she also gets to earn.
today i was waiting for the bus at raffles hotel n this guy tried to talk to me. n cuz i was so slpy i was barely awake, i stupidly answered all his initial questions until i suddenly became more alert n asked him WHY? thank gdness my bus came. i think its becoming weirder. ever since i came back to singapore, it's as if things seem a little different. its just the feeling i get. dunno how to explain but its like the ppl ard me r getting weird. like last time i nv noticed there were all these weird ppl ard. i think the ppl r all getting more weird. there's a more disgusting incident which happened at mango quite some time back but its obscene talking abt it. so i shant. i'm gonna call the police next time i see that fucking pervert. doing weird things smack in the middle of a ladies' clothes shop. wat nerves. i'm gonna call the police next time i even glimpse him. i'm gonna spend some free time working free as a spy for the police so that the next time i see him there again, the squad team will arrive. juz kidding.
tmr got a hundred n one things to do but all i wanna do is puke n slp. yeah even till now i still hv this very full feeling in me. i even declined ice cream just now. declined ice cream. unbelievable. in fact i declined the choc biscuits bin jie offered to me n also only drank half of the blended mocha my fren gave me for free cuz it was much too milky. on hindsight, it was prob not that milky but its just me. damn! hopefully tmr i wake up with the urge to eat time out ice cream instead of the urge to hug the toilet bowl.

1 n 1 does not make 2

2005-07-23T03:37:00.000+08:00

I must admit that reading my own blog makes me feel like its a psycho writing n not me.damn.n tho it is 3am rite now n i just turned on the pc, all i wanna write with my own indecency is i so wanna kiss him(letz just say i'd hv a better shot at kissing the moon). i'm sure this will all fade in the morn when i'm sober but his face looking up from the mag just blew me off. shit. shit. even tho i'm fucking embarassed when i'm reminded of my behaviour in the designer shop cum museum rite smack in the middle of paris. its not exactly the situation i wanna imagine myself to be in but er if being like a loony got him to observe me silently fr behind....*shrugs* i must really say he is taller n cuter in real life *gasp, is that possible?* well yes. not exactly a handsome good-looker but trust me, i seldom even glance over at guys. well maybe thats cuz i'm in s'pore. sad. but true.
n anw, i guess i've been missing out on alot cuz i havent been reading anyone's blog at all. so tell me, who's that fugly, mundane, n lets-just- be- kind- n- label- her- retarded girl who is so not getting over the guy who DUMPED her? hmmmmm. 'he cheated on me' oh did he? well, we're sorry to hear ur version of 'i was dumped' but hey thats kinda like your own problem. izzit shi's fault if she's smarter, prettier, hotter, sexier n as all the proof suggests, more attractive than u are? n i dun think it is advisable to mention that ppl r usually attracted to equals? incidentally, he's entering uni this yr is he not? if u get the drift. (u noe ppl, i'm only referring to this particular case, nothing else.)
moving on, its always better to keep ur mouth shut n let ppl think u're an idiot than open ur mouth n prove it. haha. oh well. i mean, just a kind little word of advice.

2005-06-27T11:19:00.000+08:00

todae was the first time i read hushi, mel n gg's blog in such along time. n haha it was damn funny to read. yesterdae was at coffee bean, then shifted to mos to just sit ard with biyun n mel n then we saw dennis n he actually talked to us for so long. cant believe it. strange in a certain way but nice to talk to someone fr amk too. feeling's just different. he's so diferent now lor..nearly cant recognise him. hmmm. n on sat nite, i left ms n called cine n rena picked up the phone n i didnt noe it was her 'hello may i speak to geraldine pls?" n i hear rena go in a damn sian voice "eh geri, think its someone lking for u ah" this rena ah. hahaha. n after saying hi to gg n asking her a few things which she replied she went like 'who r u?" ok lah it was 11 plus in the nite n everyone was alittle off track cuz we worked the whole dae liao. but i still went down to pay them a visit. i wanna work with rena, gg n huishi together. ask bin jie to work at cine alone lah, she so capable. then we 4 can work together n all hell will break loose. so cool rite? earth needs some hell flavour man. k kidding. i wanna watch initial D. sounds likeone cool film. got alot of shit that happened recently, still cant belive my stupid self. i just nd to do a body-parts thing n all'll be fine again. heh. so biyun, u got away with for the murder? thats gd. anw, ok i will go visit brighton again to see if its nice. cant belive liqing's act there. she didnt tell me anyth. stoopid gal. liqing! so secretive. anw mel n i were chatting till late last nite on msn. all those damn phrases we came up with for tattooing. haha n also one nominee for top 10 worse tattoo phrases. i think mel was high lor, rite mel? she kept coming up with nonsensical sounding n long long phrases. nuts. crazy woman lor that one. n after that i only slept around 5am cuz i was talking to onglai on msn. eh for all ur info, onglai's also like me now ok, we still cant adjust back to the time here. we were both happily chatting away till 4 plus till i decided it was time i tried to go n slp. it's like i was v tired n slpy around 7-8pm n i fell aslp but geri called n after that i went to mt the monsters (biyun n mel) n then once it hits 11pm rite, my system is in the 'Day' mode. shit man, how am i ever gonna live a normal life like dat? then i'll be yawning during work later. argh. huishi had better turn up n talk to me man. haha. hopefully bin jie'll be sick todae so she can stay at home n rest. shit n i can then take turns to shop n slack n bitch. ooh wat fun. ok i betta not get my hopes up. its a 0.1 upon 10 chance it will happen. sigh. n rena, i', still waiting for ya to help me design my place of refufe aka my room. all i noe is that it is a small room so there isnt much to do anw. geri called me last nite n maybe it may be possible for us to work tog on fri. arent u excited rena... ARENT U? haha. n stop saying i look crazed ok. i AM crazed. n i'm happy abt it. havent been so happy. i've been doing exactly as i wanted n saying exactly wat i feel without euphemism, diplomacy or niceness. life's cooler this way man. only my babes deserve me sweetness. haha ok lah, niceness lah ok, not sweetness. heh. everyone is gonna get exactly wat they deserve from me lor. its been a rude shock for some so far as i can tell but guess wat, i really luv it. if they think i'm such a sucker, they can think more. i muz thank france n my frenz n my babes also for putting in me a brand new perspective. to do wat i really want without feeling guilty. i wonder why i used to think that i owed it to everyone. its a little strange how i bcame so stupid over time. hmmm. everyone ard me seems to just think they are rite n that i am wrong. n those idiots fr ch keep irritating me by using the excuse that i was away in france for one month. SO? wat the fuck? this is such a bad excuse can. so i was in france for one month n i noe NOTHING abt wats gg on lah? they just want me to be their slave lah. i will, for this sat cuz i will carry my committment thru. just that i'm not gonna waste my precious time hving mtgs n rehearsals when i'm not allowed to say anything just cuz i've fucking been in france for one month. i got better things to do with my time. like work n earn money? rather than take off for them. dream on...
i gtg work ssoon. tk care everyone.

2005-06-25T01:19:00.000+08:00

haha sry the last 2 posts were not too pleasant eh? i was starting to cry so i quickly went offline that dae. oh well. yeah...i have counted the no. of times i cried since i came back from france..i think it's 2 times or 3 times. i wonder why izzit difficult to understand i was so much happier in france. just compare the freaking posts. for the first time in my life, i really feel as if i dun care abt anything anymore. its a gd kind of feeling cuz i feel i can let myself go on more things n go easier on myself but its a little scary also. like really, there r times i feel i totally dun give a fucking damn. rite. see wat i mean? i wouldnt have used fuck if i did. oh well. wat a paradox.
todae, i bought a little book that costs 12 bucks for my journal. i gotta pen down my stuff b4 everything drives me mad. n todae, i cried in the car. so embarassing. luciky it was so dark n my 2 cousins n uncle pretended noth was happening. haha. they r so funny. they asked me if i was ok n bcuz it's late, need anyone to send me upstairs. i said no need, nobody's gonna rape me n if they tried, i'll kill them. n i was shocked cuz i just said that b4 i knew it. i muz be gg mad ppl. dun be so serious when u read my postings these daes k. i mean, i've been crying on n off n also been quite happy when i bought that mango bag tt gg also has (thanks gal, for letting me bu the same one as ya, i promise i wun carry it when i go out with u guys), that journal n a black papered photoalbum cum bk. so now i feel abit like a schizo. like i dunno whether to be happy or not. that ppl keep telling me i look prettier, that now i have a job, that its still the hols, that i did some shopping, that harry potter is gonna come our, that i'm gonna have my own room, that this that that. so confused.
oh well. i guess mayb i just feel stressed out or sth. but i noe it was cuz of the freaking quarrel with my sis that got my mum involved that totally threw me off. i mean, i wanna move out but i cant cuz i got no money wat dur. i feel so sad, like really i dunno wat to do.
oh yah chris, thanks anw for reaplying my sms. i really just wanted to get out of my house tt nite. heh. so sweet of ya. i hv to do so many things by myself n do so many things lately that its getting into me. the quarrel wasnt needed but it did illuminate certain things that just hurt me. yeps. but there's nothing i can do. so, i really dun wanna fu chu so many things again to the ppl ard me n to my family n get myself hurt in return. maybe 20 years has been a long lesson. or maybe i've aldy stuck out for so long, its time for me to be like wat the fuck n just do my own stuff. rite? rite.
its different now. it is gonna be. i'm not gonna let ppl take advantage of me if i can help it. i really dun give a damn wat they think n do anymore. this life's mine.

hey u noe this doesnt apply to u bunch of sillies out there. mel,rena,shit,rach,geri,biyun (MIA) n chris. anyone else i missed out? dun think so rite? yeps dun think so. i mean i'm really not in the mood to smile or even do anything rite now, at this moment but i noe wat i wrote is true.

if this is my world now, imagine it with guys around. ha. dun even try. not now.

2005-06-23T00:20:00.000+08:00

hello everyone,
while u guys have happily gone clubbing at zouk, i thought i'd just come home n read email n go to bed. but FUCK, guess wat? my fucking sis pissed me off totally. wat a total bitch. she expects me to get off the com as and when she wants to use n she refuses to even ask me herself. n when i want to use it when she is using, i have to be QUICK n FAST abt it. wat the fuck is this? somebody pls enlighten me? yeah really. now i feel totally pissed off with myself cuz i have a christian concert next wk, n i'm overseeing it n here i am, scolding fuck for hell's worth. tell me wat to do really. i feel so shit now. so shit i cant explain. i shd hv gone with u guys man. fuck myself. n abt the room thing, she insists that its just TOO BAD that i have to take the smaller room n she gets the bigger one. i told her that i could have taken the bigger one or the master bedroom but that would mean that my mum would have to take the smallest room. tell me, neither me n my sis paid for the fucking house, wat rite do we have to tell my mum to take the fucking smaller room for our own quarrel's sake? somebody has to give in n that fucking shithead has to be me. always. rite. sorry/

2005-06-15T05:01:00.000+08:00

I cant stand it, I gotta write sth. SOMEBODY TELL ME WAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?
Its 5.01 now n i cant sleep. i cant sleep. i caNT SLEEP.i cant sleep. SHIT big time. Wat the hell is wrong with me?
i got back on blardy sat nite instead of fri nite cuz my flight was cancelled. I hardly slept the nite b4 cuz i was packing n was so looking forward to drop dead on the plane when i saw that my flight was cancelled. my eyes were red, from the lack of sleep, not from crying u idiot; my luggage weighed 25.5kg n my bag weighed 10 over kg. At the emirates counter, there was a queue. The supervisor with nice eyes told me that he is sorry but i would have to spend the nite at the airport n wait for the next flight the next day at 10pm. i was in terminal 1 where it was the lousiest. so the bitch in me kicked in n i told him that i'm also sorry but it is not possible for me to spend one whole long nite sleeping on a chair n guarding my luggages n having to wait one whole day b4 i can board the plane. Everyone was pissed n some ppl started arguing with the staff. then that idiot guy said that it wasnt emirate's fault that the flight was cancelled. DUR~ like we didnt noe that. n after he siad that, everyone kinda kept quiet. so i said equally loud that it is also not our fault that we cant take the plane home n the fact was that we paid for a ticket. if they refuse to trnsfer us to other airlines (this is our policy), they have to arrange sth better than to tell us that 'u will hv to spend the nite here at the airport n i'm sorry we cannot look after your luggage for you.' so, we got a nite's stay at a hotel with shuttle bus to n from theairport. it was a gd hotel, there were 3 paintings in my room n i had my own room to myself. not that i was exhilirated, i'd rather be on the plane. then, somebody told me that i would have to check out the next day at 12pm. ok this was at 10.30pm. so i was like wat am i gonna do fr 12-8pm? they gave me a thats ur own shit problem look. ok fine. i figured i would be too tired to go down for breakfast cuz it ends at 10am the next day n at 12am, i was still settling in after the concierge n all that stuff. so, i hung a notice at my door n ticked my breakfast to say i would have it in my room instead at 11am. cuz room service for breakfast ends at 12pm. so, the next day i awoke at 10.45 n waited. no breakfast. so i called them. that shit french woman told me in a haughty voice that they CANT serve me breakfast in my room cuz i didnt pay for the room,technically. it was the first time i actually felt myself getting angry. so i calmly told her that regardless of who pays, i'm still a client of the hotel n a guest. she insisted. so i asked her WHY THE HELL did u leave such an option in my room n WHY THE HELL did u collect that paper from my door if u didnt mean to provide that service? u could have told me. silence. so she relented n told me that ok, she will make an exception for me. i raised my voice n said that this wasnt an EXCEPTION, it was what it should be n i slammed the phone down. rite. i admit it was bad attitude on my part but i'm sick of justifying everything i do. if u think i'm a bitch, go ahead. so i got my breakfast n i noe that it was safe to eat it cuz the french, unlike the singaporeans, respect their food. anw i had my own mini jam, mini honey, mini butter, yoghurt, an apple, a basket of bread n a glass of juice n a pot of milk. breakfast was gd cuz i hardly ate last nite. so after breakfast, i went down to make a phonecall to the emirates paris office. i spoke to the lady in french n asked her if it was possible to extend my check out time. the thing is NEVER to communicate directly to the hotel. why? becuz u are emirate's customer, not the hotel's. i could tell she sounded please that i spoke french n she started talking to me in a string of rapid french, which i only understood the gist of it. so after the phone call, i went to the lobby. that woman managed to extend my stay to 7pm in the nite whilst everyone else had to check out at 12pm. oh well. the nite b4, i tried asking the rest if they wanted to call emirates to ask cuz usually from paris, the flights r at 3pm so u gotta check out by12pm but our flight was at 10pm n i bet the emirates n hotel staff forgot abt that. but as usual, the singaporeans gave me that 'if u want to do it, do it urself' look. so i was like, ok fine. so its just too bad they didnt get an extension when they could have. i went to their room to look for them but they already checked out. so too bad. in fact, i shouldnt even have gone to their room to look for them, on hindsight. why shd i help them when they r crap apathetic n self-centred. haha so i went back, listened to radio, wrote my journal n pack my stuff n took a nap. n then the hotel ppl called my to tell me that lunch is ready n i could go down ifi wanted to. oh wat a pleasant surprise. for once i didnt have to ask for sth myself. so i went down n ate lunch. not bad. i looked at the menu n the buffet lunch that i ate was 28euros. which was like 60 sing. my gosh. this is so ripping. oh well, it was paris n my hotel was along the stretch of novotel n hyatt so er mayb it was normal. i saw this lady tipping the waitress n everyone around was practically in suit n tie except for me. haha. quite fun.
I felt like kicking myself because i havent thought abt singapore at all since my trip started. when my family asked me if i missed them, i went like er...honestly, not at all. n they started some shit.as usual. this is wat i mean. i could have been dishonest n said that yes, i did miss them, knowing it would pls them but i would not do a thing like that just to pls others against my own real feelings. why should i conceal my feelings? but of course there's a price to pay cuz they will start on some shit. n they did. see? first day in singapore n it was already hell. to be really honest, i never once was sad or angry THROUGHOUT my entire trip. nearly 100percent.i can only rmb 2 little incidents for which i felt frusrated but they were just fleeting. i wrote in my journal that it was the happiest time of my life. n it really was. i had nothing to worry abt, i was so happy n crazy everyday it was a constant high for me. everyday was filled with class n activities n excursions n sometimes it was tiring n we had homework to do but we still went out, had fun n everyone was just bright n happy everyday. it was dangerous but we still went clubbing n dancing. with our teachers n our frens from the school. so tell me, in a life like that, WHO THE HELL would be homesick? even I didnt think abt singapore AT ALL, it was just forgotten until our departure loomed near. n for me, thats saying quite alot already. it was not just abt the fun n partying. i'm not that kind who is deprived of freedom at home. its abt the camaradie i've found in my frens, n the ppl there n even in strangers i dun even noe. i really thought that 3 weeks would be too long a time but turns out i was so damn wrong. true, i had my share of learning curves n problems to navigate around bcuz it was after all a foreign land n not as easy as u think it is. But at the end of the day, i learnt alot. i really learnt so much. i noe my mum n grandma r not too happy abt the fact that i was happy overseas. shouldnt they be happy that i WAS happy? i noe in general my family dont like to hear that i didnt hink of them n i didnt miss them. but thats a fact, wat do u want me to do? i cant help it. i feel guilty but that was how it was. they ask me if i think of going back. haha. fact was that i didnt think of coming back. sigh. i noe they cant let me go. everything is that i'm too young n i'm still too naive. i'll rip off the head of the next person who says that to me. The ppl in france, my roommate, my teachers n the frens i made, they helped me along but nobody, really NOBODY ever told me that i was too young for this or for that. but that doesnt=being reckless u understand? i learnt being both independent AND responsible for myself. they trusted me. they let the younger ones get into the cabs first after clubbing, n told me to sms them when i reach my appartment (cuz for ur info, my whole street is pitch black everynite n there r no lights at all up the stairs n at the corridoor in the nite, and, there r frequent fights with broken bottles just on the sreet in front of my house). they will wait for me at the bus stop or at the square to bring me to the club. i appreciate that. but they didnt say things like DONT come clubbing since it's so dangerous n they didnt say things like go home at 11pm or sth. trust n care take on different definitions over there n i like the definitions over there better. sigh. i dun dare to tell such crap to my family unless i wanna hear gasps of horror n exclamations. i drank alot over there n i was really happy. yes, i had alot of fun dancing n drinking wine, beer, spirits, shots n liquers but that doesnt mean i've like become wild or changed. but to some, they will nv be able to understand that. n i only know it too well. i could write a book on my experiences n the things i was exposed to. its just a learning thing, u broaden ur horizens, u enjoy the culture n the life there n u make the most outta it. its not like i had sex n i smoked since they all do it anw. the fact that i get questioned abt this shows only too well that my ppl think that i cant be trusted. they will saY, no we trust u but we just wanna make sure. SNORTS. make sure wat? that i havent had sex? that i dun smoke? that i dun do drugs? hahaha... riite. i trust u but i JUST wanna make sure. ultimate shit.
n so wat if i already did it all?

2005-05-22T21:16:00.000+08:00

hello everyone. i'm at the internet cafe now with my frenz. yesterday we went to this place called arles n it was v beautiful. alot of roman n gothic century builfings n pictures n even a first century building. we had a field day taking photos. i must say that rite now, i dun feel like going back at all bcuz it is too good here for me, with the exception of my bizarre madame. ha. oh well i didnt intend to make u guys jeqlous bcuz i didnt think that i would enjoy myself so much. i had lunch at a restqurqnt yesterday n it was nice. there was escargots; mussels with cheese n spinach; bread that u rub raw garlic on n then u spread a special spread n then u topp it with shreds of crazily delicious cheese; fish soup; beef cheeks n baguette. n these were the starters? my gosh.... then there was beef, lamb, octopus, as in real giant squid with meat that u can cut n eat; potatoes; hare n fish fillet. there was red wine also. n after that, we had ice cream, choc mouse; nouggat ice cream with raspberry jam n cream, ice cream with cream brulee, caramel flan n some egg white thing with custard. rite. all of us were already full by the time appetizers ended. this meal was prob like wat, 10,000 calories? but it was not v ex for the food we had. anw sch is good n i made many frens. they r damn nice n we went clubbing till 1am on fri nite. but then er it is really not safe in the nite. yep. we went to 2 diff bars n in one of them, there were hired dancers dancing in peacock costumes n g strings. well not exactly as thin as a g string but u get the idea. but the guys here r not leery. yep. n they r very gentlemanly. my frens n i we just sat ard n talked n drank but generally, there is little dancing unless u go to a really blasting club. i am going to buy a penknife bcuz i need to protect myself for the next outing. it is fun, sure but there r robbers n er drunkards n all the other bad ppl also. i went home with my housemate n she had pepper spray so it was safe. if not, then i wouldnt even go out man. hmmm.... n many ppl smoke here. it is pretty funny to see them sometimes. that day i saw my 17 yr old classmate smoking during break n i gestured to him. n he thought i wanted a puff so he gave it to me n i was like no, smoking is bad for ur health. haha... he is damn vain cuz i think all the latin american guys r like that. ask him to take photo he has to look into the mirror n preen himsemf n i had to tell him that he is tres beau bcuz everyone else was waiting in the room. haha.. but really the ppl here r nice. i am v happy n i dun think i have ever spent such a carefree n happier time since v long ago. school is like fun n very enjoyable. ok i gtg now tata gals. luv ya...

2005-05-19T13:00:00.000+08:00

salut tout le monde! hmmm i must tell u somethings. yesterdae, we all went to SETE which is a french town not far from montpellier. n it was freaking cold bcuz it is next to the mediterranean sea n the wind is so strong u cant stand still at the same spot. n the thing wasthat we climbed a hill that is really high all the way to the highest peak. it was difficult but fun cuz it was so so cold n the roads were terrible n rocky but the view at the top was breathtaking, literally. the town is actually a fishing town n very nice. then guess wat, the crazy students n the guide wanted to eat ice cream. i thot i wouldnt survive. but i did. ha. i had a peach icecream with my fren. there were 2 scoops of peach sorbet, 1 scoop peach ice cream, one big butter cookie, n topped with some choc n lots of fattening cream. but it was nice, especially when the temperature was 15 degrees? c`est fou ah. we had it in a cafe by the roadside n there was a black sports car that slowed as it passed cuz i think the guy saw a whole grp of black hair asians. ha but he was tres beau n he winked at me with a cheeky grin. seriously, it is fun here bcuz the ppl r fun n the guys r cheeky. not disgustingly so but unlike the singapore guys who r like blocks of wood, they r expressive n really funny. its good ah for a change. hahaha. n the bus drivers said my french was good. ha. i was really happy bcuz it is really difficult here. if ifelt like a fool back in french class in spore, well u can guess wat i felt like here. no one here speaks english ah, n very little at that. it is good bcuz i have to speak french or at least try bcuz if u dun, u can do nothing here. my french family is not a family actually. only got me, my madame n another girl from switzerland. she is a little weird bcuz there arer alot of bizarre ornaments in her house n the scariest of them in my opinion is a bald doll that looks expensive n dressed immaculately n guess wat? it is nailed to the wall in the dining room. shudders. but she can cook well la. n the wines n alcohol here r nice tasting but strong but it keeps me warm at least bcuz sometimes, we have dinner outside on the balcony n it is very cold there. but onoly i feel cold n they laugh at me. oh well. but we had guestsover that day n they liked me alot. wahahaha. n i learnt to kiss n airkiss for greeting n parting also. usually they kiss thrice in the culture cuz it is more affectionate, or so they say. or maybe they just want to kiss my face. haha kidding. but i must say that the ppl here r nice only bcuz i noe how to speak at least a little of their language. in paris, those ppl look pretty stuck up to me. but generally it is really alright la. but we do get stared at cuz we are asians. the thing is as we walk along the streets outside our scool to the shopping centre or the shops n cafes, everyone is sitting around the cafes outside drinnking; eating n smoking, at all times of the day; esp in the afternoon. er i dunno why they dun have to work but everyday here is like relac one corner for them. hahaha but its nice bcuz of the environment bcuz i dun have to rush n rush though yes, i do have a timetable to follow in school. the school is not big but well done up n clean n cosy. its good. n rena, hahahaha my professor here reminds me so much of nicolas cuz of the way he speaks n the way he thinks. but he is younger n his eyes r like i dunno....mesmerising? everytme he says regardez-moi joanne, pronounced as jour an, it is abit scary cuz his eyes r like penetrating. he is really smart as well. ok i have to go now bcuz there r ppl queing behind me again. oh ya i like it here bcuz i find that i can talk to the ppl here abt everything under the sun. it is fun. yesterday, my madame went out partying or sth n i was alone with my suisse fren n she talked to me alot. they r very open really. er i dun think i am able to explain well the culture here but yah, i do like it alot. i mean seriously. i have 2 italian classmates n 2 classmates from panama. i will show u the photo. there r canadiens; americans n goodness noes who herre at the school n they r all nice ppl. it is really fun n i really like it. i thot that it is gonna be diffivult for me here n to a certain extent, it is but i like it so so much better than singapore n the ppl in singapore. i mean, come here n take a look n u will noe wat i mean. its really good also bcuz i think i am young n they talk to me n in a way, help me along alot. both the singapore nus students n the ppl here. but it is also very independent here ok. everyday we hv outing to a different place n from wherever it ends, u gotta find ur way back home on ur own. which is why the school gives u a map for navigation. i mean it is difficult n scary for me bcuz it is a foreign land n the ppl r foreign n the place here i have never been. i gotta take bus, navigate my way thru all the streets n alleys with weird names n it is not exactly safe in those little alleys. but u bet i have learnt alot. whether i want to anot is different but still i learnt alot. i come to school by myself by crossing é roads to take a bus n then walking abt 5 mins to the sch. but on monday, ihad to walk to school becuz whole of france, there was no transport bcuz there was a strike. right. haha. n my madame doesnt give a hoot abt me. no curfew, nonothing. she says i can go out if i want to. like to the discotheques n clubs n my coordinater at the sch wants to bring us to pub or club. n one of the teachers or workers in the school is a dj in one of the main clubs in the (place de la comedie) pronounced as plas de la komedie. the school is in the centre-ville so shopping n shops r not a problem. we had an outing to the cinema already n it was alright but i didnt understand alot of it. ha. ok bye for now ppl/ tk care.

in montpellier school

2005-05-18T12:49:00.000+08:00

hello everyone. haha...do u miss me? i am having a difficult time typing on the keyboard cuz itz weird. oh well... mmmm... it is cold here but the sun is shining. eh i had a seven course meal on the airplane from dubai to paris n ok let me tell u that it is scary to travel on my own esp in foreign airports. class is fine but i am v tired everydae bcuz of the classes, workshops n activities. things r not expensive here but the currency conversion makes it expensive. yep... it was crazy finding my way ard in paris to my hotel on my own. i had to change 3 trains n there r so many lines on the metro that it is crazy. but there are nice ppl who came up to me to help me. ha. my madame in montpellier is fine but a little bizarre. i drank wine n the least percent here is 15 percent. ok i gtg now, ppl r waiting to use the comp: cya ppl. luv ya lots.

before i leave...

2005-05-13T04:00:00.000+08:00

well, joel asked me to help him buy playboy mag from france. he says he wants to collect n read. i so believe he is fluent in french. i'm just short of blowing my fuse altogether bcuz of him n my sister. for the last time, i will not be a sucker. sometimes i am really tempted to be bitter n lash out at them. like my sis now, she is using the pc, i'm using the laptop, we're both on msn n her nick is she wishes i will be gone for good. feel like saying f her. feel like telling her alot of things now. like how she should just stop burning the midnite oil doing her 'A' level project bcuz she's gonna fail aniwae. and how at least i got the chance to go overseas to study. wats the point of putting in so much damn effort n time in her studies when she's gonna fail anw? yah someone tell me wats the point? i dun mean to be vicious but if u guys noe half the things she does n doesn't do, u'll prob be staring in disbelief. i think its good to be devoted to her studies but not when she is neglecting n ignoring virtually everybody. ever since her Os, she doesnt attend family functions, stays in her room n studies everyday, doesnt reply AT ALL when my mum talks to her. ok i understand if she doesnt reply me. but how can she disregard my mum, aunty n grandma? when my aunty comes to my house n talks to her, it is as good as talking to a wall. she just sits n stares ahead, as if everyone else besides the house is invisible. my grandma doesnt even dare attempt to talk to her. wat a TOTAL BITCH. she is gonna get retribution for this. even if not from God, I will make sure she doesnt get away with such fuck attitude. n all along, she goes CRAWLING to my mum for help at the slightest bit of problem. guess wat ppl, even at this age of 17, my mum is still trying to help her think out ideas for her project. when she cant think, she comes home n complains to my mum, on a high n tight voice abt HOW DIFFICULT the project is n HOW DIFFICULT n HOW STRESSFUL her studies is. n my mum will try to tell her nvm n try to help her. how cum she cannot handle her own stress n her own life? i am really ashamed tt my sis is such a useless weakling. at least try to pull urself together n work out stuff on ur own la. does being frustrated, crying, complaining help? does heaven open up with solutions just like that? then life is way too easy if it is that way. i hate the fact that she burdens everyone with her own stupid problems. who doesnt have problems n who doesnt have stress? i look down on her really for not being able to do things by herself. this sux, really. copying my projects when we were young n vehemently denying she ever did such a thing is one thing but being at age 17 n STILL v much the same is another thing. i cannot say that my mum is bias bcuz we are both different. for me, i have done everything myself, from primary one onwards i was arranging my own projects, typing, printing, doing those plasticine projects n borrowing camera to photograph stuff for my projects. i did it all by myself. i dun expect everyone to be like me. bcuz for me, it is simply that i prefer to do things by myself. i dun think it is about capablility, like whether u can or cannot do things on ur own. i think it is abt mindset. sure, she can rely on my mum n send my mum into a fluster when she kicks n cries when her project is screwed. my mum types out her stuff n prints them for her n pastes them for her. every project n undertaking of my sis is equivalent to being my mum's. n i have been watching this for years. n things still havent changed. rite. that totally explains y she fumbles during exams. my mum says she is nervous n cant think straight during exams. i wonder y. like i always said, it is only u n the paper during an exam. u can really rely on no one else but urself. maybe its cynical to say that it is harsh reality of how things work actually but who can tell me that this is not true? there r some things that u just gotta do urself, howver much u rely on others. my mum cannot study on her behalf. i think that bcuz she is not used to relying on herself all along n suddenly finds a situation where she is left alone to work it out, she panics somewhere inside her. maybe it is a far-fetched link i'm making. but i think conditioning does play a part. anw i'm pissed but i am always soft-hearted. like i noe, i am prob the most naive with a capital N person around. sigh. it is just my life that i have to deal with crap. real CRAP. secretly, i have this thought that half the ppl i noe would have crumbled n died if they went thru my life like i did. my life story is complicated by my own stupid sensitivity n naviety. if i had to point out the pitfall that'll drag me to my grave, it would have to be this stupid naviety in me.
but probably i noe ppl think that i'm more shrewd n calculative than naive. (rite?) i didnt choose to be shrewd. bcuz i am such a naive person, i have seen wats going on n been hurt n disappointed. if i am cannot be shrewd enough, then i am as good as dead. i think if i choose to drag on life n wallow in self-pity, no one would actually say much abt it. but how can i do that when there r so many other things n other ppl to care abt? my life is not a bed of roses but so is everybody elses. if i wanna say that my rose has more thorns than any of u, i dun think i am wrong. but so wat? i just believe that everybody has to deal with whatever's given to u. u cant change it so there is really noth else for u to do but to do something abt it for urself n for others. I noe nothing i have ever done would be possible without God. even if at times i say that it is me who is smart or my own work n effort, i noe that this is not true. i only say these things out of spite n as a retort to wat others say. if i did not depend on GOd, i would not be who i am today. who i am today in terms of character n thinking n NOT achievements n identity.
PSLE-divorce, moved house 3 times. went thru so much crap i cant rmb half the things that exactly happened. btw, my dad likes to chase ppl out of the house when he is extremely angry n if we dun leave, he is gonna kill us, thats wat he says anw.
o levels- big estrangement with my mum. gotta move out of my house to live with my aunt for 6 months i think. OR she will send me to girl's home. ok looking back, i think i was really far too intense for my mum. she couldnt take it, plus the circumstances at that time. i shant elaborate on wat i felt.
A- my grandfather died in august. its a miracle i didnt die with him like i thought i was going to drop dead soon after. i just thought it will happen naturally. to be serious, i really did think i would simply drop dead after he died. it sounded most logical n not the least bit eccentric to me. in fact, it was prob an innate belief n not a feeling of the moment. until today, sometimes i'm surprised how cum i still went to sch n sat thru lessons when half the time i was expecting me to just suddenly die. inside me, i was totally stoned. everything was unreal to me even though i talked normally n stuff. it was the first time i took an exam without caring how i would do. i was really indifferent to everything. do u think it seriously matters to me how i would get for my econs essay when the person i was 2nd closest to died? it was worse than a part of me being dead. i cant explain n will nv be able to. i think if my husband died in the future, it is not gonna be worse than this. if i can feel for my husband as much as i feel for my grandfather, i dun even think of it bcuz i noe no other person besides my grandmother i am going to come across can make me care n love as much. dun talk abt more, really. i dun forsee it n i noe it never will be. maybe ppl think that i'm wrong bcuz i havent even lived out the future. it never will be. n there is no logic to it. i learnt to depend on God and God alone, thru my life. bcuz i cant depend on ppl n i cant depend on myself n i cant depend on things. nobody is gonna walk thru with me like God will. There is no 100% except in Him. so despite all the crap i get in life, i still thank God for it? No. despite my life, i thank God for it bcuz He gave me life in the first place and He has blessed me beyond my imagination. There is no 'still" bcuz i have no right. my life is not in my control, it is in heavenly hands and i noe it is much better bcuz i was not the one who gave myself life n i wouldnt noe how best to handle it. yep. i feel happier now bcuz i'm no longer sad. i felt sad when i was writing earlier on. no i gues sadness will always linger n not go away but it reminds me that there is a God who can comfort me.
as a christian, if i am afraid to admit that my life is broken and i'm helpless on my own, then i am cheating myself. Everybody's life is broken. how different, how much, i dunno. how can u say that u are a christian and you need God and u believe He is the Lord of your life when u dun even think u need Him to mend ur life? if you dun have a broken life, why do u need God? and if u think u can rely on urself, thank u very much, then why pray to Him in ur times of need? How can we just summon Him as and when we like? it is only when u rely on God and depend not upon ur own strength n knowledge that u'll discover a true relationship with God. n in order to rely on Him, we gotta put aside our own pride n set aside our hesitation to admit that our lives are broken. some ppl compromise a little n say ok, how abt lets just say that there are some areas in my life that needs repair. our lives r BROKEN, nothing less. not 'some areas need repair' or 'sometimes, i do need God'. I dun like the word broken but i guess nobody does. but take it simply, broken just means not perfect. a broken life is just not a perfect life. n brokeness is just all the hurts, unforgiveness, bitterness, resentment, anger, envy, jealousy, hatred that occur in our lives. Our lives are broken because we do not live in a perfect world where there are perfect ppl n perfect things n where we also are perfect. sometimes, it is hard holding on to all these things. we r angry n unhappy bcuz things do not go the way we expect n the way we want. the prob is with this. we want to control our lives n of course, we want to control it to be good n perfect. so when things fall out by the wayside, we are resentful against it. when sickness strikes, when disaster happens, when a job is lost or when a child's life is lost, we r angry n resentful n we ask 'why?'. but maybe it is better to give up this control to God. Do ur part but noe that God is the one in control, not us. surrender is in full, it's in 100%. 'surrendering' 99.99% is still not a surrender. I'm gonna be 20 this year n n it took me years to learn how to surrender to God n how to come to realise my own brokeness. n learning to surrender, to me, is a lifelong thing bcuz new things come ur way n things change n we will still have this urge to want to control. the challenge is to seek out n turn over our lives inside out to see where our brokeness lies. for a person who is disabled or stricken with a disease or who is an orphan, their brokeness is more apparent. but it is also easier for them to face up to it. for us, only we ourselves noe our brokeness besides God n it doesnt mean that if nobody noes, it is not there.

2005-05-07T23:58:00.000+08:00

i am now listening to the cds mel burned.. i like the french lion king songs mel.. really nice.. really sweet of you!! this must be the tenth time i'm saying that... ok all of u... er wat was i abt to say? oh so r we all mtg up this monday? meet up ok... cuz huishi leaving soon n so am i... SOB... okok... i wonder why i got myself into this shit.. everything's still in a mess... okok gotta run now.. by peeps... i luv all of u... i hate the rest of the ppl... esp some of my bad family n my other bad bad frenz...

2005-04-28T17:08:00.000+08:00

ok guess where i am now? i'm in damn nus, law fac corridoor right now on this nice n not-too-hot evening. i'm supposed to be watching web-cast lecture but i'm listening to songs, reading other ppl's blogs, writing my own blog, visiting frenster, playing inspector parker on yahoo, checking out yahoo auctions. ooh.. somebody tell me that my exam is on SAT!!!! pls... tell me that pls.. maybe i forgot wat does sat mean. sat now means ONE day away... oh man... WHY do i always have this hate-school, hate-studying attitude? i think no one will ever noe wat true miseries studying brings me. i thot i was a seasoned veteran in studying. i mean, all these gruelling yrs in the system. so WHY? why am i crazy? i think my system is just weird. i can only study the day before to an exam for me to rmb the things. if u ask me to start one week earlier, the one wesk would be wasted bcuz i wouldnt rmb anything at all. oh man, stupid me.

i was thinking abt the psc scholar who got slammed left right center for putting racist remarks on his blog. OH COME ON ppl. This is called a personal blog ok. It doesn't matter who the person is. Those ppl wont think much abt a beggar who wrote the same thing on his blog rite? but bcuz he happens to be a scholar, then CANNOT. TABOO. WRONG. APPALLING. eh hello, total crap. So wat, now u're saying that bcuz he is using tax payers' money, his speech n thinking are also under ur control lah izzit? come on man. be smarter la. just bcuz someone posts racist comments doesn't mean he is truly a racist. n the same thing, some ppl wont even say anything close to that but they could be really racist at heart. so? r u trying to say that wat u dunno u dun care but if it comes to light then u gotta take part in it n slam that person? For ur own sake, stop trying to be so imposing. u gotta be able to separate the fact that he is on ur money n the fact that he is free to say wat he likes on his blog, as a person. I think that there is indeed appropriate behaviour n code of conduct but it also depends. u guys are invading his own personal space n imposing ur own expectations when u say he cant say those things on his own blog. come on, the fact that he is a scholar is poor excuse when it comes to private space. Say u discover a racist comment in ur scholar-neighbour's hand-written diary. so would u go expose that person, make a big hoo-haa in the neighbourhood, complain here there everywhere, how SHOCKING that an educated person is racist. chances are, u wont. why? because, in real life, everyone avoids a confrontation if they can help it. u'd prob think it is not right but it is also his business. online becomes a different thing. you can criticize him as u please n slam him as u want bcuz u DUN HAVE a real identity isnt it? the only person who has an identity out of all this is the scholar himself isnt it. well in case u cant see the similarity, an online blog is EXACTLY like a hand-written diary entry except in a different form. unless u can dissect that n see it as a highly personal, pte space then dun try to act smart n think that ppl's online blogs are for STRANGERS to scrutinize n correct. i've already said that identity is not a matter. If u are truly angry/annoyed, then base ur argument on the fact that we gotta be considerate of other ppl's feelings n as fellow human beings, there is only one race n nothing much to gripe abt n we have no right to despise or dislike others just based on racial differences. That is a more credible argument than saying 'he's a scholar, so THAT's WHY he shouldnt do that" so u are just attacking him not bcuz u are truly altruistic but bcuz u just feel that he shouldnt do it bcuz he is a scholar n in the future, he will make policies n anw, i pay tax also wat so i also got a right in criticizing him. Much as it is inconsiderate to be racist, it also shows that u just want to be part of the moment n impose wat u think is the 'correct' bahaviour just becuz u are paying tax plus u can still remain as an annoymous 'member of the public'/'netizen'. Its queer that no one really addressed the issue of racism in itself but keep on harping on the fact that he is a scholar n on public funds. how nice.

2005-04-24T21:16:00.000+08:00

I tried.. i really tried..i tried so hard that each time it gets to me it just gets to me worse. Why?
To reconcile the things i know, the things i see and hear. It's all churning, just churning around.. so full of meaning that it has no more meaning. I dun need anything in my life, i just need to be happy n do the things i want. I dun want a damn boyfriend to add complexity into my life, I definitely dun NEED one. I dun need man's praise and approval. I dun even need appreciation. If i thrived on appreciation i would already be dead...long ago. I just need God alone on my journey. But hasnt it always been that way?
Why have i been conditioned to justify the things i do n say? i find myself trying to explain myself. n the more i explain, the worse it gets. I only count myself as accountable to God. That is why everything i say n do wont sit with everyone. in fact, i dun even think majority of it ppl find agreeable. the hardest thing for me to do is to make a stand. at first, i wanted ppl to understand y i say sth like this or that. but then i realised that ppl will nv understand. so y should i bother? i just do the things i do n remain that way. i will not compromise myself but i am not gonna make the effort to tell them y anymore. i noe ppl will think i'm weird n they wont dare to probe further. i dun want to say i feel misunderstood bcuz now i noe that i should nv have even tried to make those ppl try to understand. it is sth they cant do n will nv be able to.

I think that people just need something big, something bad to befall them before their eyes can be really open. prob it is mean of me to wish something bad to befall another person but sometimes i get so angry that i think the only way some ppl are gonna wake up is when something really bad hits them. when their world crashes n tumbles, then they will be able to see n to think clearly. n maybe they will come out of it a better person than before. when u are living a good life, u gotta really think n be thankful for every moment u have, everyone u have n everything u have. dont wait until it takes a big crisis to shake u out of ur own druken stupor. Be thankful and compassionate to others while the going is good. its like make hay while the sun shines. all those living it up thing is crap. those stupid music out there is worse than crap.

ah ok take care everyone. joanne is just raving. again. =)

2005-04-20T22:45:00.000+08:00

Just came back not long ago from studying with rach. actually we were gossiping half the time.. shhh... haha but it was quite nice just talking..
Friday will be the start of my misery n the beginning of the end of me... woohoo...i constantly worry.. n since when have i bcum a worrier?? oh man...
anw huishi put up this really ugly photo of me.. u used me to test ur cam rite? hahaha.... eeee so ugly lor... hehe..
mel seems to have found time for genocide events n world wide causes n shopping.. hahaha...
rena, i'm still waiting for ur bloggy address...
n geri deserves to be scolded!! if anyone of u wants to noe the contrast of wat slogging n suffereing is, pls take a trip to geri's blog... all the parto-ing, playing, working, chillin' at utt's place, huh huh wat is this?? *groan* spare a thought for us can.. we all read ur blog n we are stressing like crazy over the crazy exams. sob... ARGH~~~ i'm going crazy soon.. n huishi n mel'll end soon. n my frenz in smu have ended already!!! when nus havent even started.. *GROAN*
It was real demoralizing for me to attempt last year's EL paper. notice i used the word "attempt", i could not even do it!!! feel so suicidal... at least all my other EL frenz n grp members feel the same..how can our lecturer set us 25 marks questions that requires only 1 or 2 analysis? if wrong means all wrong leh!!! 'open book' seriously means NOTHING man. NOTHING at all. if anything, bringing all the materials into the exam will prob make me suffer more bcuz i envision myself being very flustered, flipping thru all the stacks of notes, readings, lectures, tuts, rules n STILL remaining clueless.. my tutor said we will need to 'zen out' in order to do the paper.. dunno wat that means but doesnt sound like anything good.
okok enuff said... back to eye for a guy 2... wahaha

2005-04-18T21:44:00.000+08:00

*Based on a true story*

There was once a young girl. She was pretty, sporty n popular in school. She played volleyball, badminton, tennis, netball, canoing.. etc etc.. She had an active life and was outgoing.
After leaving school, she held 2 well-paid jobs, one in a bank and a part-time one in a flower shop. It became that a young man fell in love with her. He was from a respectable family, well-educated and rich. She too fell in love with him. His mother, the boss of the shop where the girl worked at absolutely adored the girl. Everyday after work, she would send the girl home in her own chauffeur-driven car.
The young couple was dating and everyone got along with everyone else. Both their mothers even became friends. Those were the good days, the happy times.
The young man had a dream. His dream was to study medicine to decome a doctor. He went to UK to pursue his studies. It was a good long 7 years but they would often engage in long-distance phone calls. During his final year vacation, he brought the girl over for a vacation. It was, in essence, a quiet celebration of his impending graduation and also of their love for each other. The girl's mother had no worries about them being together. In fact, everyone thought them perfect for each other, destined for marriage. She had many suitors, was popular and of good character though she came from a poor family. He was intelligent and driven and gentle, a true gentleman from a prominent family.Their backgrounds were vastly different but it did not matter. Together, they travelled all over Europe, France, Paris and Switzerland. They were blissfully in love and having the time of their lives. Time nurtured their relationship, for 9 years,their relationship and love remained steadfast.
Yet the Time that brought them together, saw them through the years and nurtured them also erodes. It was Time that changed everything.

*end of part 1*

The story will be continued after my exams, on the 3rd may. This is based on a true story.

2005-04-18T21:11:00.000+08:00

hey all, all the best for the exams! feeling nervous now? welcome to the club.. hahaha..n mel, ur fren's stacey embellished skirt is nice! ooh.. if it were not for the fact that i am broke... n geri n huishi, thanks for uploading the photos.. nice pics though i must say that some of them, ok most of them look abit psycho.. wahaha.. the scariest looking person after looking at all the photos has to be rachel.. gosh.. wahaha..
went for french placement test today.. think i wrote pretty badly..everyone's handwriting was soo neat, even the guys.. ( i saw bcuz we were sitting round a conference table) n mine was like wisps of grass growing on my paper with lots of cancellations.. ugh.. 3 short essays plus vocab in 1 hour.. i noe its like only 150-200 words each but hey, its too difficult!! trust them to set us something like that.. time FLIES the fastest when u're doing a paper.. trust me.. its shocking...
oh well.. these days i am more happy.. looking at the black skirt i bought from zara is nice too.. i dun feel i ever wanna wear it.. hahaha..
actually i didnt think much of travelling to france myself but now that everyone is like huh?? n wah n giving me lots of advice makes me feel doubtful... oh just stop it!! see? i am good on my own.. i really dun worry on my own one.. maybe my brain is just weird but when others wory for me n starts questioning me then i get abit panicky also.. hahaha.. ARGH!!! the weather, the food, my luggage, the timing, the train, the bus, the tickets, the shawls, the jackets, the food, the clothing, the everything!! i noe its impt n everyone means well n i'm really blessed to have ppl caring for me. BUT i just dun wanna worry, especially now.. one thing at a time.. now is exams.. i'll think abt EVREYTHING later. i told u i cant multi-task..ok wanna watch my fann wong show now.. i luv fann wong. she broke into cannes film fest already!! yay!
n the casinos are gonna open! hmm maybe i will rethink my decision to migrate if i can work in the casino. i think it sounds too appealing n exciting for words. dun ask me why i'm interested, i just dunno. i guess its just not conventional, esp in singapore. so i told my mum i wanna work in the casino. n she asked me izzit i wanna work as those card dealers? *rolls eyes* my mum is insane. my family is pretty insane on the whole. i'm glad i am sane.. but maybe i am just a little TOO sane.

2005-04-13T22:18:00.000+08:00

yo hi everyone, today i am in a muc better mood. hehe.. i think the person i feel the most sorry for is RENA!!! haha cuz she is the one who has to listen to my crap when i'm feeling real down. rachel too sometimes. haha.. oopsie... didnt realise wat a pain in the butt i've been.. hehe gals, so sorry for being such an ass.
aiya, i cant help it mah, exams are looming, this week was really tough too. had final french exam on monday, tues recieved back my essay which was ok, today had french oral n recieved back my monday french exam. tmr will be receiving back my EL test, which i noe i'm gonna fail. cuz the teacher already uploaded the answers on ivle. argh!!!! feels like judgement week as i was telling rena. English. something i will nv get rite. linguistic;s just too much for my miniscule brain. i really have no idea why. it belongs in the same category as maths, n i am very bad at it. so sad.. Sob... hahaha but too late for regrets.
ok anw, hows life for u all? mel pls study hard, huishi too.. all the best to u both. rena, rachel, liqing, chris n me, all the best for ur revision too. all the health psych, cognitive psych n stats for qing. all the EL (damn rachel, i'm jealous u actually think linguistics is easy. chris, lets kill her together), econometrics n watnot.. n to rena n me, for derek n walter, lets strive for the best!for chris, the drama mama theatre studies n charitable social work. ok so i've realised i've made it sound like a tribute. haha it is! cuz we've really been squeezed to death by NUS. both in terms of our money n mental n physical energy. haha i nv thot uni would be this er... interesting.
sigh.. n geri, i gather that u are having the best time of us all, rendezvous-ing with that richmond and driving around n eating n shopping n playing n relaxing n thinking abt furthering ur studies n doing all the funny n queer tests on quizfarm.com... hahaha..
back to life, i think i havent been sleeping well. how can i when i keep thinking of other things? then everynite i would stay up through the witching hour n witch around. watch tv n stuff n surf net. but just not studying. there must be sth wrong with me. i will worry abt my studies but i just dun wanna study. haha how ironic. oh yay, now my fav show is on, i gotta go watch it. come to think of it, i miss oswald the octopus. sob.. kids centra is degrading itself to the world of anime now. my poor oswald has disappeared. dun u all like oswald? i mean seriously, it is a good cartoon wat rite? its just so funny n cute. sigh. gimme back my oswald! nearer to all of ur wavelengths, desperate housewives'ot bad though. seriously too. ok ciao for now.

2005-04-13T22:14:00.000+08:00

ok pls ignore my previous blog entry. i was abt to delete it but i realized that if i did then it would mean that i am afraid of voicing out the things i truly feel. so i'm not gonna delete it but pls ignore it. Its just an entry that is just too bad to be true. i got carried away but i didnt make it up either. so just heck it alright.

out in the open

2005-04-12T22:19:00.000+08:00

i have french oral tmr.. so stressed.. its 20 percent.. someone just help me. i really feel so helpless.. abt everything. so many things... maybe its time for me to move out of church.. for once seriously. i dun feel happy there, there are many things going on there. some beyond my own comprehension. i mean seriously, some things over in shelter are atrocious. the adults especially. their behaviour really turns me off. i'm sorry i have to say it n i feel really bad saying it but its been inside of me for too long. the youths. living life like there was no GOd. they can do that out of church. why be in church n stumble others. i have been in church for so long. the youths really are a problem. if u are reading this then yes, u too. doesnt mean i am talking abt joel they all. dun always point the finger at them n say they are bad. YOU are bad. TRUTH N GRACE. u guys are all one or the other. joanna they all are the truth ppl. they noe the stuff but they dun show love to GOd;s ppl. ur life speaks abt itself. i only have to look on. joel they all are the grace ppl. they cant apply the truth n they sometimes dunno the truth. i dunno abt myself. i think i am more of the grace too. cant apply the truth. all of us are FLAWED. but WHEN will u ever admit ur own weakmess n accept that there are moves u have to take to improve urself, for the sake of GOD? when? or u just like this status quo? anw its time i relieve myself of this burden. something i;ve been thinking all along n sth sharon n i have agreed upon. u guys just refuse to budge, all of u. n the younger ones just sit back complain everythings's too boring. YOU are boring urself. u just sit back n look at ur own stuff n expect that awkward moment when teacher asks the whole class a question to pass by itself. well that moment will pass. but u will learn NOTHING out of it. maybe u say u dun wanna learn ANYTHING. good for u if u think u are already so damn smart there;s nothing more u desire to learn n know. good. i admire u. teach me some things wont u, so that i can be like that too. way to go. just sit back n relax alrite? thats the way it should be. yep. n i always have to run around n do everything, call evryone, tlak to everyone n try to be nice to everyone. i ask someone sth, they tell me it sux, show me attitude, tell me i'm lame, say everything's boring, say that u've better things to do. then u think I DUN HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO than to ask blardy u?? WAKE UP. n i have to smile, resolve my own anger when u say that kind of shit things n then turn around n try to appease you. all in that split moment.WAT AM I?? WAT THE HELL DO U TREAT ME AS? Ur SLAVE? in sunday sch with one group, the just talk too damn much than wat is nec. think it is cool, think they are being smart, think they are different. but they just dunno how juvenile it all is. deviate all aroiund the place, scold vulgarities, talk abt girls n sex n how evryone are losers. EXCEPT THEM. say that the rest are snobs. talk abt inferiority complex. n i go sun sch with the other group, everyone's just mutes out, expecting someone to ans the teacher;s question. SOMEONE, BUT JUST NOT ME. dun wanna share personal stuff, i am a saint, not me, i have nothing to share.
so everyone's not at fault, erveyone;s perfect. there's no need for change, no need for anything. see anything wrong, its none of my business. why should i care? let me tell u why.. bcux WATEVER u do is impt, good or bad. Everyone's life is interconnected to you as well. if u really love GOd, u will want to help others n want to encourage others n want to do sth abt things that are arent rite. n most of all, u;d want ur own life to be rite. BUT NO, this just applies to all others except FOR ME. SAINTLY<>
last of all, i would like to say that this is my blog n this is just wat i have to say. u may say i suck, that is extreme n its crazy. maybe u are angry. I DUN CARE ABT WAT U FEEL N WAT U THINK. PERIOD. i just care abt the facts. n if u cant separate facts from emotions, then pls dun confront me with wat i've said here.

2005-04-12T00:53:00.000+08:00

its exhausting talking. i feel so confused. just one talk tonite destroyed my impression of him. totally. why? i hate landing up with those shit jobs that require me to make enemies out of ppl. but sometimes i really have no choice. i guess no one will really understand the struggle i have. its so difficult. to keep my relationships with people or to risk destroying it bcuz i have to obey God? it is something that nv fails to keep me thinking. its so diff. how many times have i had to tear down r/ships n say 'bad' things bcuz i just felt the need to? it would be wrong maybe to make enemies out of my frenz but it would be more wrong still if i were to keep mum n accept everything even though i noe its wrong. but i always happen to be the only one who noes abt it or the only one who would do something abt it? i noe wat they think. they think i'm interfering n kpo n spoiler n watever. come on, i am so used to these names i really cant think anymore. but u really think its something i want, something i like or something i am even bothered with in the first place? i am seriously not bothered. until the Holy spirit convicts me n i cant not do anything abt it. its just so difficult. Go pls help me. y do i always have to go thru this? always, always. i have my own life as it is. my other frenz, going out, my studies, my projects, my family n activities. i am busy enuff without having to stick my unwelcomed head in all this shit. even if i am not busy, i am that kind who would prefer a quiet time on my own just chilling out or doing the things i like. time is precious n so are relationships. But without GOD, i am nothing in the first place. Pls remind me. Sometimes i just hate myself for doing the things i do but i JUST HAVE TO. u will nv understand the compel i feel. i could kick myself. no one will understand. i hate this feeling. i hate this struggle. i dun want to have anything to do with these miseries. i dun want these miseries in my life. buy why?? why am i like stuck in this rut all these years? oh man.. i really feel insane.. going nuts soon. need a break real soon. my frenz from church dun understand me. maybe some do but they just shut their damn mouths. maybe some dun. AT ALL. i dun blame them really. my own frenz will not understand wat the hell am i talking abt as well.. seriously, who CAN understand? its such a difficult thing. i just feel terrible. try to be nice n i fail. want to be nice but i cant. i really cant please everyone even though i want to. i want to make u happy too or at least, i dun want n need any conflicts rite now. but i just feel comp[elled to voice out n if i do, all hell will break loose again. i just noe it. i just do. why izzit me? i really dun do it intentionally. my first intention is to serve God n not create chaos. God noes literally that i can do without chaos. this is going nowhere, its all still in my head. n i will have to think abt it. this really kills me. i feel like crying.. but who really understands? dun say u do pls, cuz i noe u dont.

2005-04-08T23:20:00.000+08:00

hmmm...
went to study today.. with liqing.. saw karene n huihui n they were going to play arcade.. haha this is so the norm for karene... all the super bishi bashi stuff n goodness knows wat.. haha..
n mel! wat abt ur latest blog? hahaha i kept laughing as i read lor..ha..esp the part abt biyun.. wahaha.. argh.. feel so restless nowadaez.. do this do that, now wat? my assignments nv seem to end n my projects continue forever. n the tests are like a perpetual part of my life. honestly, i think that i will feel very lost without school.. which is sad. argh!! the only time it is slackening will be next week where i STILL HAVE 2 tests n thereafter, it's to the execution grounds, meaning exams... so they only slacken things abit JUST in time for us to study for the exams.. sounds like a well-timed execution to me. AND contrary to wat u guys are thinking, i have been lagging so much i really lost track of where i am n where the rest of the classes have progressed to. yikes.. its gonna be crazy..
Parfois, je pense que je peux, et parfois je ne peux pas. Desolee, j'ecris en francais mais parce que je vais aller en france au mois de mai, il faut pratiquer pour moi. argh... je le n'aime pas mais je nai pas de choix. okok back to civilisation.
i have 2 french tests next week!! stressed..ha.. aiya wat to say now.. nothing to say.. i just think some ppl are queer. ha.. but since i was praised today, i shall not express any anger i may have. wats done's already done anw. wahaha.. still got so many things waiting for me to do lor.. when will i get down to doing it?? sigh.. ok ciao ppl.. tmr's gonna be a long day = ( even though its a sat =((

2005-04-02T18:00:00.000+08:00

today's a new day again n i wonder wats in store for me. felt frustrated just now. i just feel ppl dun trust me enough. sigh. i cant defend myself. i spent half my life doing that n i just dun need to prove anything to anyone right now. was browsing thru frenster just now n BOY, i realised that ppl i've known have changed.. ALOT thru the years. i am half amused n half er surprised. wow.. the power of time.. feel so restless now.. like got nth to do, thats why i'm here. went lib just now with rena but as usual, spent half the time crapping. ha. n mel didnt reply my message. n i feel dissed. but i like reading purpose driven life. its not bad for a start. pretty concrete n thought-provoking.. today i was reading day 5 that was asking me how do i see my life? n that made me stop n think abit. yeah.. how do i actually see my life? if life were a picture, my life metaphor would be that of a farm on a grassy meadow with nice weather but subjected unpredictably to the elemental forces of nature. thats life to me. i think i like my own description of life. some ppl say that everything is within their control. are u sure? i think life sometimes deals us things we have to confront n face, no matter how much we hide or run, it'll still find us. scary but true. but if u understand it in the Christian perspective, then hey, life may be unpredictable but God's still with you. Thats wat i seriously like. the feeling that u're not alone. i noe wat u guys out there are thinking, dun think i dont. u think that christianity is a refuge, Christians find their refuge in their religion more than anything. thats true. but the real point is a relationship with God. believe it or not, a man without spirituality is empty inside out. no matter who you are, we have that innate desire for a spiritual meaning to our lives. maybe u dun think so rite now, but u sure will do one day. who is going to be with you all the days of your life? ur frenz, family, money, car, assets, house? the circumstances around us will always change and no one person will be with us forever, try as u might argue. God is the only one who is constant n be with us forever. forever means even after death. yes. I hope that all the people i love will be with me in heaven. thats the one wish n the greatest wish i have for my life on earth. its also a wish that i dare not think abt. right now, its just so hard to believe me n the things i say. but in eventual, i hope that you will believe me. n give God a chance in your life. its the first step that's so tough. we all have our own beliefs. even the weakest person has his own beliefs. the thing we cannot get past is ourselves bcuz we so believe in the things we believe in.
life has no meaning until we find the true meaning. thats the difference bw christianity n the rest of the religions. ppl keep on searching, but they dunno wat they are searching for. they have a religion, but they are not kept fufiled. believe me, when you find the real meaning, i dun even have to tell u, u'll just noe it. n you wont have to keep searching. isnt it tiring to go thru life alone n keep searching for sth that u cant find? sometimes God lets you find Him but you juz wont accept him. i guess all of us have our own decisions to make. = ) but i still wanna say that i love alot of ppl, yes from all the areas of my life n though i dun say it, its all here down in my blog.

2005-03-25T16:28:00.000+08:00

something's wrong with me... its in the quiet of the nite and i dun feel happy at all.. why? i'm supposed to be happy. tmr's got no sch, today just got thru 2 grinding presentations, just finished french test, am going to paris, may be going to japan, just cut my hair short. so WHY am i not happy? i feel so empty.. i'm not unhappy but i'm just not happy. life... wat izzit all about? sometimes i really wonder. people are intrigued n amazed by wat their imagination cant take them to. o well.. school's getting into me. i hate school. yah somebody pls tell me why must we study? wats the whole damn point, which i dont see? i have failed to see clearly the point n i will still fail trying. my life's wasted studying. i can do so many more things. i wanna do so many more things. to keep in touch with my little frenz n do volunteer work in singapore n all over the world. to work overseas, to travel, to lead a life that i would find fufilling. why is that not happening?? i wanna write a book, write a novel, sing, just travel n be cool abt it... God, seriously, why? i need to noe why... yeah why...
sometimes my love becums possessive. i say more than what i meant to say. but i would rather say than not say at all. maybe thats wat gets me into trouble. but i like it this way. i like cutting my hair, its one of my fav things. its like my leisure. when i'm free, i just wanna go cut hair. i hate long hair. long hair irks me. so today i cut my hair, why am i still not happy? i think i'm just tired maybe. barely slept trying to the damn presentations. things will not always go my way n i have to accept that but i'm not happy accepting that. i am too perfectionist, if ther's such a thing. i really am. everyting either has to be perfect or not. i;d either put my heart into doing sth well or just heck it. there's no in between for me. extreme? yes. but i think some scorpios r like that. i enjoy being perfectionist tho more than half the time, it brings me woes n anger than satisfaction n happiness. n its cuz its not a perfect world. i get frustrated when things dont go my way n my way is only one way which is the perfect way. maybe there's no perfect way, u say. but thats just cuz u havent gone there yet. u havent gone the full way to experience the perfect way so to you, there's no perfect way. but to me, everything's abt being perfect. thats the purpose.
i am very tired. barely slept last nite. stupid presentations. stupid school. stupid tutors n assignments. when will it all end. i always feel happy n relieved only to make way to feel bogged down again. its a malicious cycle i cant get out of n i am damn pissed abt it. i hope sth extraordinary will happen to make things stop. make everyone stop wat they're doing, their damningly monotonous n selfish life n look around. why must we wait for something drastic to shake our world. then we;ll settle down again soon after. i always catch myself thinking abt things such as the 911 n the iraq war n all the wars n all the poverty n all the hardship, the pain n the tears of the world. n i wonder, how many ppl actually think abt that? i feel stupid thinking abt such sad things cuz i noe, they dont concern me. but izzit really becuz i am stupid or am i made to feel stupid because of everyone's selfsih thoughts? i dont give a damn abt the ppl who have a good life. stop the shit coming outta ur mouth n head n get a grip. if u have the resources n the means, why dont u go make the world a better place? alleviate others' miseries instead of dwelling on some nitty gritty shitty stuff of ur own pathetic life. u're not the only life on this earth. n resources n means doesnt equate only to money. money can only do that much. u nees more than that. u need the human capacity to do it. ppl are gonna accept the things that happen n just move on. its true that the world doesnt stop spinning. the tsunami, the wars, the hardship n poverty, all going on around you so blatantly n overtly n yet u carry on ur life as if nothing's the matter. we think that seriously, there
s also nothing much that we can do so we might as well go on living our lives n treat these as lessons learnt n treat these as things to remind us of how fortunate we are. but izzit really true we can do nothing? nothing at all? or izzit easier to escape this way? we look at the pictures of the raging waters, the broken familes, the dead bodies, the orphans, the fishermen. we rmb the pictures of the 911 building, the people falling out of the high windows like their lives are worth nothing. just snap, like that. one fine day. n our lives just continue. isnt it amazing huh, everyone? just amazing.

2005-03-16T14:38:00.000+08:00

hello... missed lecture todY cuz i thot it was a webcast lec! turns out i was wrong abt the date. ooh hoo... how smart of me. sigh... like i was telling chris todaY, i have been pissed since SUNDAY and the reason's not hard to guess izzit? ha... oh well.. i guess i just gotta accept that some things nv change n are not gonna to. i dread the future. i am afriad that i will suddenly be angry and fall out with everyone, but since nobody takes me seriously aniwae, mayb thats not gonna be a huge problem. i realise that nobody takes me v seriously huh.. hmmm... am i really so unserious that everything i say is useless? hmm well... my temper's running foul n short nowadaez, so beware... i have been feeling very angry with certain ppl because of the things they say. i realise they have sth in common, n that is putting me down. i hate it ok, i really do. like just talking casually, why do u have to be so damn freaking kpo n ask nonsense n say things that r unnecesary? i mean i noe they r just saying simple things which are not directed at me per se but in a conversation, i expect ppl to be more grown up i suppose? like talk normally lah pls.. why always need to lauch into remarks that r not so nice? the worse thing is these ppl dun feel that what they're saying is out of place n offending. it spoils the frenship, i get irked. ALOT. though i dun show it. n i think thats where the real danger lies cuz u dunno wat i'm thinking u noe. oh damn, sometimes i am just so mad i just wanna walk away or retort but how can i when they dun even noe they said sth wrong?? darn it.. some ppl r just tactless. n they ARE my gd frenz indeed. damn it. argh... i really get so pissed nowadaez at the slightest thing. really, if u cant carry on a normal conversation with me, then dun talk at all. its better that way. ok dun ask me who they r cuz i will not say, i'm very irritated n pissed but they're still my frenz i guess.
oh well.. cant wait to go overseas. then my family doesnt help as well. why do people always make me out to be somebody who has all the negative attributes? or at least why do they always imply or say things like that? they LUV telling me that i am irresponsible, damn lazy, n i mean DAMN, unreliable, uncommitted, stupid, no taste, rude. GIMME A BREAK. who isnt? well anw, i have only one defence. though i cant tell them to their stupid ugly face cuz they would then say that i AM proud n snobbish. the thing is (n listen HARD): I DIDNT GET TO WHERE I AM TODAY BY BEING ALL THESE DAMN THINGS U R CALLING ME. ok? can my whole llife be a fluke shot? well if it is, then too bad u arent gettting as many flukes as i am huh. as if everything i have is a fluke shot. like i have nothing of worth inside me. its easy to forget the things i've done to help u n to rmb all my flaws yeah? well carry on, way to go. if u idiots can at least prove to me SOMTHING, ANYTHING, then i'll give u the right to insult me. u dun even understand half the things i go thru n where i come from. so fuck off n show me that u are not a brainless empty vessel. that is, if u can manage to squeeze out sth from your own useless n unsuccessful life to show me. dun force it though.
Yeah i am being so evil but i have been enduring this shit for too long. everything anyone wants to say n says to me, i just keep quiet n let it pass. it takes me alot of effort just not to retort. bcuz if i do, it will not be something nice n another quarrel will break out, which will ironically add on to my list of bad traits. its as if they are all perfect beings. wow. bullshit. n even if i quarrel, everything is my damn fault. the logic stands that it takes one freaking hand to clap n tht hand would be mine. sometimes i just really have the urge to say sth hurtful n really insulting back but i always tolerate. do they noe? no of course not, the brainless, insensitive gits. i noe, i noe. they like to say that i am very rude just cuz i am honest. look here, if i am not honest, i cant live with myself ok. i cant live without being true to myself. my opinions r all honest. they may not be the most tactful but at least i try ok. i try damn hard. u ppl just wont look at the truth of ur own failures or inadequacy, all u see is ME. come off it, i'm sick of this shit. always wanna say who n who is actually so intelligent n talented, IF ONLY he/she puts his/her mind to it. yeah, so all u can do is fantasize. this is not even reality. but do i tell u that? no, i shut up. then u like to say that i work too hard or am too proud. or u will say that everything of mine's a fluke cuz u just cant understand WHY when i've proven myself to be some irresponsible, stupid shit. well let me just say that that's only to you alright. yep. whether u can understand anot, the difference here is that at least i have REALITY to speak for itself alright. sometimes i realy just think its the sour grapes effect, but u dun have to take a dig at me to boost ur own flat ego rite? thats sad. make sth out for urself instead of pointing at others n gossiping n remarking. yeah i got thru everything in a fluke. so does that make u happier? the real losers are out there man.
ok sry everyone, i noe i am always angry online but its the only way i let it out. its the onlything that stops me from screaming when the need arises in me. yep. i AM trying ok, all these years but maybe i am trying too hard to be nice until i just cant stand it anymore. maybe i should yell more n let ppl noe wat i think of THEM directly for a change. hmm.. good idea john. wahaha

2005-03-11T05:24:00.000+08:00

In school now.. forum area.. feels like a buzz over here. acually, is a buzz indeed. so many stalls here, plus dJ, games n prizes.. food stalls selling hot dogs, muah chee n burgers n waffles n ice cream n yoghurt together with clothes stall, slippers stall, singtel stall n even a miss sixty SALE. yes SALE. but after discount, the prices still range between 100-200! ha.. but the best stall here's gotta be this "Master Khor" Palmistry stall. wahaha... i nv thought i would see sth like that right here at central library in NUS. gosh.. haha its quite cute actually.. the shifu is dressed in blue robes n sitting serenely and from wat i see, there has been an endless stream of ppl venturing to have their palms read. hahaha..this is so funny. n the thing is, there are lots of big posters of the shifu and all the palmistry related stuff but got no price stated. maybe its price upon request or something. like see whether fate brought u to him. wahaha... i feel so amused. n the music's blasting so loud n the dj's voice is so resounding... u tell me, does it feel like school at all? does it? i feel like dun wanna study anymore in this mood... can just listen to the music n play games online, which is wat i'm doing now. hahaha... ooh so fun... n they keep playing nice songs. n th dj is dancing on stage, like sawying m moving n jerking, thinking that no one can see that he's dancing... hahaha... ok lah enough of this carnival description. come to think of it, ever since term started, there has been a different bazaar EVERYDAY here. students are so enterprising n free lor hor... or maybe they're just escaping from the reality of school. haha nah just kidding! wat am i talking abt? gosh... sry for the incoherency.. ciao now! *lazy thursday afternoon*

2005-03-09T07:05:00.000+08:00

am at home now..sigh..was reading newspapers just now..the casino debate took on a new burst of enerygy due to the family murder-suicide (?) just 2 days ago. haha..dun need to debate lah..govt makes all the decision man..no matter how much the religious,semi-religious organizations file their statements of objections also not v effective one. to tell the truth, gambling is a vice. yes but you are supposed to FLEE from temptations. so dun blame the presence of a casino. i think ppl r scared, scared that having a casino will wreck not (truly) their whole country but themselves. I would be too. but i havent gotten to that 'older' stage yet. hmmm... its all complicated, as usual. but i would think the govt has already decided to go ahead with it already. so no go to the rest. hehe...
was reading slyvia plath that day in the library...wah she's got an interesting life man..quite pretty n attractive for her time but dunno why so cynical n morbid in her thoughts. not exactly morbid also, but just dark. maybe its all the damn guys who drove her mad. she reminds me of being someone who is not quite wat she seems. her thought r deep. so deep that in the end, she drove herself to suicide, leaving her kids behind. she gassed herself one fine afternoon. maybe that's wat made her more famous? haha... but she's a really gd writer n really unique.
this week felt damn lazy. monday skipped french lecture, which is a die-die NO, argh. french, french, french. tues skipped mkting lec (oh man, i feel like i let prof lau down! he's really nice) to go watch Closer with rachel the momo monster. was not bad but its one of those shows that has a deep meaning in a superficial portrayal. i personally think its one of those shows in which u have to grasp the essence as u watch it n go along with it but not those that u can dwell on n think about it later. then there were a few guys behind rach n i who said that they fell asleep halfway thru the show. haha..i didnt mean to eavesdrop but they were sitting directly behind us n lamenting after the movie. i am so busy nowadays. feel tired. my memory is failinf me. sometimes i think that i would just like to do something else for the rest of my life. like freelance stuff. travel around, do as you wish. i really think i'll migrate next time. not that i cant take it here, more like i dun like it in comparison to other countries. n my fren is going to US for the work n travel program!! she's gonna work in a theme park. basic pay is US 600-700 bucks which is the lowest. ARGH.. i'm so jealous. i think most likely my trip is also confirmed, except that instead of earning money for myself, i'd be wasting money n learning french...its pretty obvious who's got the better deal, ain't it? ok thinking of these thoughts make me feel dumb n restless... bye everyone.. french is difficult, dun take it unless u r dumb, like me.

2005-03-08T14:32:00.000+08:00

yo peeps.. again i got abit pissed today..yep thats me.. maybe u noe me as that happy girl out there who is carefree n yeah, life's-a-breeze that kind but i'm not. i get pissed easily n i dun write things that make me happy on my blog. yep. or rather, i am more apt to write abt angry things cuz i need to let it out. you dun have to bear with me. STOP READING. i learnt today that if u wanna talk the talk, then walk the damn walk. talk is cheap, cheap, cheap. no, thats not meant to be a pun, but anw. i was pissed cuz i had this minor argument. well...maybe i really am too fundamental as a person but that's just me. i won't change and that's it. if there's one thing i can't and won't change, its abt my fundamental view of things. there's either wrong or right, no in between. yep thats just it. sure i noe, ppl think i am prim n pompous n prissy n yeah, u're right. but if i got this way the way i am n am happy with it, leave me alone alright? i am not answerable to you, you noe. n that's just a polite way of putting it. you choose your own life. i choose mine. ultimately, whoever wins will show. we dun have to say it out. yeah? i'm sure all of u noe this.
i realised that people have this common hang-up. n that is this thing called selfishness. ppl wanna be popular n to be popular n be in alliance with the crowd, they can stand up to bully others. they may not enjoy it but yeah, they'll still do it. they need a standing, a place for themselves. you tell me its not a dog-eat-dog world out there? unfortunately, i always seem to end up on the other side cuz i dun enjoy bullying others n putting them down. i'm not saying i'm a saint cuz i definitely ain't but that doesn't mean that i need to drag others down. ha..ut behaviour only shows ur attitude. i hate those ppl who think that they have the best attitude when their attitude totally sux. they think that other ppl are losers, other ppl can;t match up to them, other ppl aren't as smart or gd-looking. just watever other ppl are, they're just losers lah, compared to THEM, the winners. oh come on, stop this bullshit. if u really are so great, show it. not later, not 'if", NOW. huh? wat? back to same thing:talk is dirt cheap k. rmb that damn fact. dun brag so easily. dun say u didnt brag either, ur attitude just shows. for ur info, ppl arent THAT stupid so as not to notice. oh yes, u think ppl are stupid, that they just dunno blah blah blah. but lemme tell u guys that the real losers in life are you. n you KNOW it. ok enuff said. that was just to wake u up, i didnt set out to attack u. wake up n be humble, no use covering up ur overflowing insecurity with confidence n bullying. yeah if I can see it thru, so can everyone else. u're just pulling the wool over your own eyes.
yep..last week was bad..3 tests in a row. monstrous. ugh. i barely slept. last week was lived out like a zombie.. i was walking around school from one destination to another with nothing in my head. that was such a bad, tired feeling. plus all of us it seems had insomnia... chris, rach, rena n me.. oh man...there must be some kind of spell cast upon us...+_+ sigh... now i've got 2 impt decisions to make. both concerns going overseas sometime later this year. wat should i do? money's always a problem, as usual. money may not be everything but u also need money. how ah.. will the money drop from the sky for me? i wish. ha... but sometimes opportunity only knocks once. i gotta reach my first decision by tmr morn, or by the time i slp tonite. the second decision i have very much arrived at. but i dun think ppl will really share my joy or appreciate it the way i do. oh well, others r not me, i am not others. we all think differently. sometimes i really am too philosophical n complex in my ideas. maybe thats y ppl dun understand me at all. its not as clear-cut as it seems. i think in a very loop-about way. i dun arrive at things by navigating a straight path. haha... oh well...
actually i feel mad. sometimes i feel that i like university, sometimes i don't. rena feels the same. i guess u gotta taste uni to noe what's it really like. i was excited that u noe, there's no one around to take attendance n eye u. its like we've been saying for years, what for take attendance? well... actually u'd feel scared if no one's there to take note of u at all. cuz that means u're free to miss class n all that. but is seriously scary cuz ppl will keep missing class all the way until they have to repeat a sem. thats 6 months wasted, another 3,000 bucks (gosh yes, 3,000 for 4 months!!). haha.. my mum was just telling me abt results n choice of courses.. well i bet she secretly is glad that she didnt have to bother abt me so much. i'm very much left alone all my life so i kinda prefer things this way.. if ppl try to tell me too many things, i get on the edge n agitated n angry. simply put, i trust myself more.
i think i will always rmb the time when i transferred class. it was pretty tough. tough not because i did not trust myself. but tough because ppl put doubts into me. i was not so stable then(prob i still am not but at least better than last time), not cool-headed enough, so i ended up feeling flustered n in a whirlwind. like my family would be asking me why? science is better, science is a good class..can choose between science n arts next time. i noe lah, they were trying to say that science is a wider path that leads to a forked road where u get to choose but arts is more narrow, nothing much to do in the future. my frenz thought i was weird, come on admit it. sigh...everyone was asking me why? n the only reason i have that i think i would like lit better than physics didnt seem good or sufficient enough. talk abt doubts.. haha... oh well. i feel happy bcuz of these things bcuz i was able to make my own decision n stick with it despite the weird world around me. haha.. but it was still difficult. life's NOT a breeze for me, really, thats the way i truly feel. but i noe ppl think life seems easy for me.. all i can say is, some things cant be said in a matter of words, some things cant ever be described, i may think that life's not easy but that doesn't mean that i'm bitter n adopt this loser attitude towards it. yep, n for that, i can be happy.

2005-03-05T18:20:00.000+08:00

sometimes u think ur problems are big, but in comparison to others', they r just nothing. mere nothing. think abt that. be stronger. its not as flippant n tough as it is. be stronger mentally cuz that's where the real battle lies.
so seriously, what's the purpose for this life? wat do u think u were put in this world for? n r u sure? well, life's indeed a tough nut to crack. some ppl get thru their whole life n still cant figure it out. some do but they cant grasp it. so u ask: wats the difference b/w figuring it out n grasping it? well thats for u to find out, isnt it? life is simple. to the pessimist: u just need to fight it thru. but sometimes the fight is within ourselves isnt it? u think it lies somewhere in this world, in the big unknown u dun even noe where. but sometimes its just right there in u. to the optimist: u just need to fight when the time calls for it. which is simpler? of course it depends on where u belong in. maybe u think life's a bitch:cant get the girl u want. cant kiss the guy u really, really like. cant be like that damn movie star. cant get top grades. cant be this, cant be that. cant do this, cant do that. now tell me, isnt all these wat YOU want? this is the fight that's within u. wait till u come to the fight that's not within you. circumstantial stuff that u really can't help. wat r u gonna do then? break down n let it all rush over u? or fight a much tougher fight? even you won't noe until the time, the moment, that split second arrives. we all need to be dependant on some others to essentially live but there r things that only you can help yourself. get real, you can only find it in you. sometimes u think u don't have it. don;t have wat it takes. so thats y the circumstances force you yo bring out what u thought u didn't have. do you really want life to be like that? to wait until the very last straw so that you are shaken out of ur seat n jolted awake just cuz of ur complacency all this while? hmmm..thats up to you, isn't it?

btw, i'm changing my name to jade this october on my bdae

2005-03-01T02:40:00.000+08:00

well...just read mel's blog. apparently, her automated cheering-up system relies on the miseries and embarassment of her frenz. hahaha..just kidding mel! its just sadistic ppl like biyun (shh..) and nutty ppl like huishi n geri who brings us our entertainment. hahaha...well actually its pretty funny...we have too many of such memories to bring back happy thoughts. yeah well.. got a TEST tmr... how can i when my mind is totally on something else? sigh... i gotta have self-control n not do the 2 things which i have serious trotuble holding off. oh well..i seldom sound like this rite? even i am surprised at myself but i seriously cant blame myself lah.
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yesterday, pastor preached abt some message n he was talking abt how we would feel like we want to quit school but we can't cuz we noe its impt. wow..how cum he noes what i've been thinking n feeling ALL THESE LONG LONG years? its like i really want to quit school but i noe i would feel shitty abt it. very shitty in fact, cuz its singapore n meriotocracy we're talking abt. i waNT to just quit school n do my own stuff which is just to pursue my dream n also to lead a Godly life. if like i truly truly wanted to do that, i noe u'd think that i should just go ahead n stop talking so damn much. but really, can i? much as i dun want to be pragmatic, reality n life forces me to think in a way that differs just too much from my own idealism. its really hard but its the truth. what am i gonna live on if i just quit sch like that? if i cant lead a stable life, i won't even have much to think abt doing the things i want. plainly, i'd just be adding on to the les miserables in the world. argh.. this is really paradoxical. tell me why?
oh yah the 2 movies that i watched most recently turned out to be amonbg the best movies i've watched in my entire life. Finding neverland and Constantine were superb!! maybe u do not agree with me but u do not have to diss me. Instead, since this is MY blog, i would advise anyone who does not like these movies to go find your brain then watch it again. i sometimes think ppl just dunno how to appreciate the finer things in life. sounds cliche but its true that life is not as simple as it seems. if u understand the complexities and intricacies of it, u'd understand that life is truly amazing. ok well.. but still, to each his own. hehe...luv ya all peeps, no matter who you are. =)

torn.obsessed.confused.MIXED.totally.

2005-02-26T18:34:00.000+08:00

i am awake at this time, obsessing. this is so bad. no work of mine's ever gonna get done. its as if nothing else matters in this world right now. wat's happening?! this is great joanne..continue this way.
I've been thinking alot...am i brave enough to take the risk n stand to lose? or should i just stay where i am n follow the path? this is really difficult man. no one will understand. i dun even dare seek advice cuz i'm not sure of myself even. damn. why do i always think so much. thats the problem. this is disgusting. hope i get restful slp tonite n not fantasize n be weird. going on 20 already n still thinking like a 6 yr old. i will nv be able to lose my imagination. imagination is my double edged sword. one foot out of neverland, one foot in. come on, this is a crisis! *bells sound*
gd nitez peeps. arghhhhhhh, dun ever be me.

2005-02-24T13:30:00.000+08:00

Gosh... i'm pissed. Pissed to the extent of wanting to scold ----. oops... Some ppl r just stupid. i HATE ppl talking to me like they understand me n everything that is going on in my life. Give it a rest. The ONLY person who is qualified to say that she truly understands everything is ME. yes me. only me. my freak family thinks that just cuz we're a family by name n we see each other often n we're supposed to be close that they r the ones who are always right. that means that watever they say abt me must necessarily be true. this is called f*** logic. if my aunt says i'm a snob, I AM. if my cousin says i'm stupid and unreliable, I AM. i am nothing of my own and everything they say. ooh... in that case whats the use of me existing? you can all just construct me by your own perception.
the only person i truly like in my whole entire family is my grandmother. she's the only one who truly understands me even when i dun say anything. the rest are just pea-brain members with low EQ. if u happen to be my family n u're reading it, i dun regret anything i say n dun be dumb enough to ask me abt something u read online. Well n if u dun happen to be my family, welcome to my life. like why am i not sweet-natured, good-tempered, patient, kind, so loving, so unquarrelsome?? why? GOD. dun they understand that they cant compare me with every other girl that exists? does everyone go thru the same thing? are we leading the same life? NO. that explains why i'm none of the sugar that other girls may be. its all crap lah ok. dun give me this shit. i am who i am n i like it. i dun wanna live a life for others. its my life n i wanna live it for myself. for my own happiness n satisfaction. selfish? then too bad people. seriously. dun ever tell me wat to do, i got a brain, i can think for myself n nobody can think for me better than i do. that applies to everyone n not only me. nobody can help u make the best decision except urself. believe in wat u want n get it. dun let others' bullshit drag u down. even if u have to fall out with ppl, i still believe that its impt to do things for urself. dun need to wait for the sky to fall down.
i'm like the bad girl. everything that's bad that happens is due to me. oh great. yeah just blame everything on me lah k, i lurve it, i thrive in it. everything that goes wrong, just blame it on joanne's freaky temper, her rude tongue, her no-manners mannerism, her cutting words etc etc. everything thats bad happens due to me ALONE n NO ONE ELSE n NOTHING ELSE. JUST ME.
ok anw, today was crappy. feel so angry with my mother n my aunty n this makes me think of some other things that make me more n more angry. n NKF sent my grandfather a letter. doesnt that shit company realise that he's dead? huh? why send it to my home? stupid shit. asking for donations as usual. i'll donate to them to shut up.

2005-02-17T07:10:00.000+08:00

aha! i decided to delete everything in my blog (except that song entry) nd start anew. Yay! haha... Geri just called me.. asked me to go shopping with her but i cant..i got some french movie at 6pm later.. its gonna come out for test...Grrr! school's a bother. I noe why i have been like not-so-happy lately ever since sch started last yr. its cuz i was neither here nor there, neither upfront nor concealing. its v diff for me to be upfront with ppl, i really prefer keeping private. However, i think my frenz have changed me bit by bit (really bits) to be more upfront. Yah lah ok, i admit i need to be more upfront but hey, after all thats not really my character man.. i prefer to keep things to myself n those close to me. ha. actually when i read my frenz' blogs, many things come to my mind, like how different everyone really is. Obviously to me, if u can look beyond urself,u'll be able to see many things n u'll be really glad when the time comes. Anw, i've got not much patience for some things but i wont say who or wat. I get irked by ppl who use me so u better be careful that u dun make use of me too much. Hmph!
Yesterday at the airport i kinda felt sry to see lim leave but i was really, really glad that i didnt go overseas to study! Gosh...if i ever did, then i hope no one will come to the airport to send me off cuz that'll just drive me nuts n prob end my resolve to go overseas (if i have one). Guess it'll be a gd experience but its just u noe, indiv tast. wahaha... n i have to analyse this french phrase "la vie est une cerise" , life is a cherry. Riite.... haha but guess its still fun! Lit beats english anytime.
Yesterday on the bus, was talking to mel n biyun n it made me realize how different a world i am in from my other frenz in ch. Hmmm... maybe that's why we dun understand each other? i try my best to do so but i guess ppl dun really understand me. Well its just different lah. Education has a huge part to play i guess. Deep in me, i noe that perceptions formed r difficult to change. To be honest, ppl think that the 'snobs' in U diss those who r not but in reality, that's not really the case. I wun say that it doesnt happen at all but u've gotta noe most undergrads r not like dat. In reality, its just a matter of perception. Sometimes, i get angry n will say that its bcuz of their own inferiority complex. i mean, it really makes me angry when i get misunderstood. Since this is my blog, i'm free to voice my thoughts. (that was just a self-assurance..
ok enuff of this unpleasant topic. my final word is that bridging the gap is not easy or is there even a gap at all? hmm... but i'm happy belonging to my world of the biyun-rena gang. wahaha..cuz we are frenz for who we are, not who we want us to be. and thats cool! = ) ok byebye, gonna slp for a while...

2004-11-20T08:36:00.000+08:00

Into the West
Lay Down
Your sweet and weary head
Night is falling
You have come to journey's end

Sleep now
Dream-of the ones who came before
They are calling
From across a distant shore

Why do you weep?
What are these tears upon your face?
Soon you will see
All of your fears will pass away.
Safe in my arms
You're only sleeping

What can you see?
On the horizon.
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises.
The ships have come
To carry you home.

And all will turn to silver glass.
A light on the water
All souls pass.

Hope fadesI
nto the world of night.
Through shadows falling,
Out of memory and time.

Don't say
We have come now to the end.
White shores are calling
You and I will meet again.

And you'll be here in my arms
Just sleeping.

What can you see?
On the horizon.
Why do the white gulls call?
Across the sea
A pale moon rises.
The ships have come
To carry you home.

And all will turn to silver glass.
A light on the water
Grey ships pass
Into the west.